Moved

I've moved my 'no shopping experiment' to just being here at our adventures. I've wanted to move it for a while, but have been busy. I took the time tonight to copy all my old blogs about it, and will be in the process of moving them here. Bear with me as some older posts about no shopping that you may have read will be here and repeated. Still not shopping (except for a few very needed items) till my birthday in August. I don't even know what that will be like! Anyway...enjoy.

My Story:

So, here is a bit of the background of my story which will hopefully illuminate the reason why i am choosing to abstain from shopping for a semester (or maybe a year-going to re-evaluate this in the wintertime)

4 years into marriage and $12,000 of credit debt, I looked into going back to school. I didn't know how this was going to happen as I looked over credit statements showing us where we were at. However, there was no 'We" in this. I paid the bills, I was the one who told Ryan where we were at with the money-and I didn't tell him where we were at financially. As long as everything was paid and he had money in his pocket, he didn't ask or need to wonder where we were at. He began the wonder how we were able to afford some of the things we were doing, but never brought it up. This was ths Spirit beginning to prompt him to ask..,

One evening I went to my in-laws house to talk to them about school and if they would be willing to help out with the costs of it. It was at that time they shared with me of an inheritance they were going to be giving us from Ed's mother who has recently passed. This amount would mostly pay for school and pay off our debt. I cried. I cried for three reasons. One, that the Lord knew-he knew the exact number we needed and he saved us in ways we would never have been able to save ourselves. Two-humbled to my core that he would save us in the midst of my utter sin. And three-i had to tell ryan financially where we were at.

Well...a slap on the hand, two degrees, two children and 5 years later, we find ourselves in the same predicament again. How did this happen again!!? We were in the clear! I know why...I hid. I hid from the man I commited my life to an addiction I had that I kept saying I had under control. Shopping. There is a caviat-i'm not the only one-my husband loves to buy things and go out to eat etc..etc...but i never said no, we can't afford this or that. Consumption really is the word of my addiction. But, am I alone? I have to admit, it feels pretty lonely here...I know I am not though...

This is why I am choosing to blog about it. Well...several reasons. I type faster than I write, but of paramount cause-because I don't want to hide anymore. If I continue to choose the path that I have chosen to live, loss will be my future. Satan will do anything to continue his directive in me to hide-and I can't let that happen anymore. Where there is light, there is no darkness. I want to be known. I have NO clue who will find this blog and read it, but my prayer is that it reasonates with some in a some small degree, and that as I process and journey my way through my self-prescribed rehab, that we can all minister to one another.

Who doesn't have an addiction of some sort? What does it look like to walk each day thinking outside the box of consumption and to see how truly each one of my needs has been met and I need for not that much.

thank you for indulging me as I wonder into this world of light and Love. welcome to my blog. welcome to my journey.

quiet

Quiet:

I've been pretty quiet from here for a while. You know when you have not talked to a friend in quite a while and then you begin to realize that the more distance between conversations, you'll need further explanation into why the distance became wider and wider. That is how I feel about dialouging about this. It is not as thought I want to avoid talking about what is going on inside in this process of not shopping, but I have to be honest, it does get a bit tiring. Have you ever wanted something to just be done? It's not that I am desperate to shop, that i want my rehab to be done...in fact...this week for the first time I bought a cardigan. I wanted to go into a store (KMart...I know...not glamous, but not a tempting place for me. I thought I'd check out a cardigan while I picked up medicine for our daughter) and see about a cardigan. I had my allowance...I found the exact color cardigan i'd been looking for (blue) and it is a cute boyfriend kind of cardi...got it ($12!) and came home. the interesting thing is, i felt the need to hide my purchase. I didn't want to tell Ryan because am I suppose to shop yet? The rehab isn't over till 8/29/10...
So...it was a weird conversation to have with Ryan about my cardigan. He was fine with it...I think i wasn't. like I was committing adultry to my rehab committment. Part of it is re-emursing myself it shopping in a healthy way...how do you do that? is there really a right way?
another reason of being quiet...there has been a lot of other things going on by way of vocational distractions that have kept me occupied rather than thinking about shopping...and i've found myself not really thinking about shopping or filling the void, space or bordem or avoidance of things with shopping. you may ask, "what then are you filing it with?" well...I just honestly have't had the time to think about shopping. I even have some gift cards that I could spend (was given permission to spend them, but may hold onto them till my birthday) and just haven't wanted to. i have filled the void with busyness. I have a load of clients / directees this semester, teaching two classes (or rather facilitating groups within those classes) and trying to figure out my husband's potential job (he's been interviewing at several places). but i think mostly the quiet has been wondering if i really had anything to share, to say...there are some familiar voices that have been visiting in my mind (you wouldn't need x amount of dollars from any job he's hunting for if you didn't have this debt...) blah blah blah...i just keep telling those voices, 'blah blah blah' so what else do you have to say?!?! don't you just get tired of those voices? relentless, just beginning to become quiet as well...
so many challenges still...but still plugging away at the rehab...


It has been a while since I have visited this blog. I think so much was going on that I just couldn't write it. It felt too overwhelming...Even now it feels overwhelming, but cathartic as well. I have wanted to write, but just didn't have it in me.
The road of dying to your self and watching Christ redeem is a hard road. Transformation is hard. Hard is not even a strong enough word. There are days of victory, and days of utter defeat.
I haven't shopped since my birthday...haven't even wanted to even venture into a store actually. I've even sort of stopped reading all the blogs I was reading on how to repurspose clothing because it was bringing up that feeling of I have to make this, I have to do this, I have to show that I am creative, productive and NOT what I am feeling right now. So, I stopped.
The defeat I have been feeling is just knowing and sitting in my sin and there is nothing i can do about it...yet here is the victory and one who can do something about it...he can redeem. he is and has
here is where we've been with the Lord the last two days....
Me:
2 Cor 3:12-18
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We
are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the
Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But
their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when
the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in
Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a]
the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with
ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Hello....17-18....especially 18....And we, who with unveild faces all reflect the Lord's glory....stop here...
I reflect His glory? BECAUSE OF CHRIST!! The veil has been lifted. Whenever I turn to the Lord, the veil is taken away. He paid the price for my sin. I can't fix myself, I can't fix our finances (I can be from this point on someone who submits, surrenders and obeys his call of stewardship...I can turn from my ways and into his redpemtive power that illuminates the path towards wisdom, grace and truth)...but he is transforming me/us. He is showing us radically not how we spend, but the why...and through this surrender of control-that every purchase doesn't only cost money, but there is another cost to it as well, isn't there? That cost is the deeper journey....Do I need this? Does this fill me or does Christ? I can have nice things, but is it within our budget...can I spend money within the budget instead of seeing that we have a little extra, so we can go out, or just live paycheck to paycheck...that is not freedom! That doesn't free me up to be able to do ministry. Debt looms....but it is SOOO teaching me so much more than just to irradicate it. Christ wants all of me....every nook and crannie....every part of my inner most being to be transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory....this transformation can only happen IN CHRIST. not in anthropologie or jcrew...i can put on a new self for you all to see...but will you see Christ in me? Isn't that our ultimate goal? Even if i put on a new purse or shoe or pant....did I do it within my means? there is a fear there that I won't be able to. What if the debt was gone...what if there was a freedom, would i run to target or run to christ? if i run to target would i spend what i am given and stay within my means, or goarge myself and binge on purchases?
and this is where Ryan was too...he could get another job...I could try to get more clients...teach more classes...but is this being responsible or is this trusting? Ryan had a second job, and through the 5 years of that second job we racked up all this debt, even when we had all that extra money, we just spent and spent and spent. God took the job and gave it to another. I have NO regrets or resentment towards that at all. We were not suppose to be in that job any longer. So...are we to get a second job? If he provided another to replace us in that job...are we to not get another one? are we suppose to surrender and trust for him to provide? ry has a job interview next week...LORD-please reveal to us in this next week wisdom as to what to do....there has been so much excavation and meetings and ideas and processing...dark hours and dreams and tears and embraces....what are we to do? which road to take, Lord? Only you can save us. You have....
I'm listening to Pandora right now (brooke fraiser radio...ah...i LOVE her! i can sing i her range!) and this song came up...I can't sing this song in church without tears....
1,000 times i have failed, still your mercy remains
should I stumble again, i'm caught in your grace
everlasting your light will shine when all else fails, never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
your will above all else still my purpose remains
the art of loosing myself, in bringing you praise
my heart and my soul, i give you control, consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and grace become my embrace
to love you from the inside out....
amen....may you be continuing the transformation even thought it's hard, painful, amazing, wonderful. may you continue to reveal your ever increasing glory in us....amen....

Catch up

Wow...it's been quite a while since I wrote....
So...if anyone IS actually reading this, I wonder if you have thoughts of what it has been like to be me in the midst of the most consumeristic season of the American year. Here is what it has been like (I should have written as each moment came...but...it was also a season of getting grades in...)
In an effort to not spend too much, we opened a separate checking account (which gifted us with $150 dollars just for joining!! extra Christmas money!) with money that was gifted to us through doing some pre-martial counseling. With that money, Ryan and I sat down one night and decided what we would spend on each member of our family that we were to exchange gifts with and those who also needed gifts due to work exchanges. With some sewing that I did (aLOT of sewing...), blowing up photos and making $10 calendars (thankYOU costco!) and re-purposing frames for gifts...etc...etc...we were able to give each person (20 folks total, including Ryan and I) a gift. It was a blessing. We also were able to give 10% of that money towards two chickens and two soccer balls via worldvision.com as a gift to Jesus. We wanted to do something with the kids in order to help them to better understand this season...i hope to make this a tradition...
how do you talk to your kids about the gifts they didn't get?
all day on christmas day our son was moping all about. he is a stubborn little man and i figured it was because he wanted to go home and play on his new drum set/kit (someone GAVE us an AWESOME drum kit because they knew he loved rock and roll music!!!). no. that wasn't it. he was upset that he didn't get a star wars laptop. this laptop that was at costco that he held in his hand for like 30 seconds...that gift is the gift that was stuck in his mind that he didn't receive....that was the cause of his moping about. once i stepped out a bit from my frustration with his attitude, i couldn't help but relate to the little guy. no matter how much i have received, or wanted...there was still a ting of wanting more...all the things that i got that didn't fill me whole. i sat in the car and talked to him a little bit about how the gifts he had received were from the heart and not to make him mad...asking him how he'd feel if we didn't like the gifts we received from him and actually told him so...and just talking and listening to him a bit more about how he liked the laptop and that indeed there are times in life we don't always get what we want...but how can we let those who love us and who thought a lot about what they purchased for you, how we can with a thankful heart give them a gift by saying thank you. man...how would you have handled that?
again, i do go back to how i relate to him. that day, i got an amazing gift. a nikon 3000 dslr. the only thing i kept thinking was, "does it do hd video?" it doesn't. i was discontent. could i be more selfish? i talked to the Lord about it. why was it that i got this amazing gift that i had wanted for soooo long...and still wished for more? can i be content? i was fine the day before when i didn't have a dslr. it is a pretty amazing camera. i was thinking out of convenience sake that having everything in one camera versus having a dslr, a video camera and a point and shoot...what if they were just all in one...my rationale was rather rational. however, still...this train of thinking still left me wanting more...
how can be content in this world when everything changes and the next and best thing will always be out there...
lord, i need you.

Pacing

This past week, and 24hrs have been pretty hard. I think it's not hard for me to admit it's hard, it's the actualy writing of it and submitting to the fact that it was indeed hard. giving myself permission to call it hard and not to try to sugar coat it and make it something it isn't. The beautiful thing about this past week was that I celebrated 35 years of life. about 20 of those I have known my husband and about 14 years of that i have loved him. He took me on a suprise date and we ate and danced and I felt so pursued. Ryan, if you are reading this, thank you-even when it's hard sometimes to love me, you do.
What was hard was Monday night and balancing our checkbook. Ryan is not working two jobs anymore and I don't get paid from my adjunt job till tomorrow which leaves us with all the bills paid, but very little left over. I just sat there, looking at the budget on my laptop thinking about what we were going to do. We have grocery money...we have gas money...the bills are paid...for that i am thankful and truly see that the lord is providing for us...we don't have creditors calling our home 24/7...but it was hard to sit down with ryan and to tell him the reality of really where we were at for the next couple weeks. Normally, i'd just bottle it all up, give him his allowance because if he had his allowance, he'd not ask about how we were doing with our budget. but, instead of absorbing all of the anxiety, i told him where we were at. we both sat there on the couch. quiet. he said, "well...okay." he talked a bit more about being thankful that we had what we needed and that we live on campus where we have meals in the cafe that are free in case we need to eat there, and we have family nearby that we use their laundry...but i just sat there as he left feeling so low. pacing in my mind through all of the failures...'we wouldn't be here if it wasnt for you...we would be in such a different place if after 8 years of living here...10 years of living with NO RENT we would be somewhere sooo different. what the f*&^ have you been doing all these years! you are worse off now than you were back then...' so on and so on...
i just was numb. i couldn't speak. even today as i type and consider that good friends really want to have dinner with us on saturday night to celebrate birthdays, and that i'm gone most of the weekend with a dear friend up at camp to help her out and retreat a bit...what are you up to, lord??? we can't afford to go out to dinner! i can't even buy coffee up at camp!!! sigh...
...and also...we have a meeting tonight with a missions organization that we LOVE and sooo believe in what they are doing to see if we would be a good fit with them... but are we waisting his time and money tonight? who are we to be missionaries when we have this debt that needs to be paid?
so, as always, i retreat to the shower. standing under the warmth of the water is soooo theraputic for me.
and i heard, "your debt doesn't define you, i define who you are."
i said back, "well...being a missionary could possibly one of the most amazing and yet scary things in life for me-to depend on someone else to provide for our family..."
then i stopped...in all my efforts to provide for myself, to fix our finances, to hide this all from ryan in an effort to fix it...where the hell did this get me? um...deeper in debt, deeper into lies, deeper into seeing that i am not in control of my life and if i try, i fail. the lord has provided for us. not me. not us. so how do we learn to use what we have and be good stewards of it? what is at the root of our spending habits? what are we trying to fill in an effort to avoid the cross or avoid our issues or avoid anything for that matter?
so, what are we to say to sam when we with him this evening???... i am still left pacing in my mind considering what the lord has for us...i wish selfishly that some check would just appear and make this all go away. but, that happened once for us and now we are back where we were, if not worse. if we cashed in all our assests, everything and paid off everything...would we still go and spend money without consideration? this is the question. it didn't solve anything before. will it now? no. we are learning moment by moment what it is to consider every purchase. is this the best price? is this the healthiest solution? do we have something around the house that can work just as good as if we went to purchase it new? this is a whole new language for me. a WHOLE new language.
i am learning to pause...i am learning to stop pacing in my mind and not allow myself to sucum to the voices in my head. i told ryan where we were at. that is a victory. he responded and we talked through it. he didn't storm off. he never has. i don't know where i got it in my head that he would ever do that...oh yeah-um...people in my life have done that and i just assumed he would too. i never gave him the benefit of the doubt.
yesterday was my daugther's good friend's birthday. it was butterfly themed. i would have gone out and bought her $20 worth of stuff...but i made her a hair clip that emily chose the fabric for...emily wanted to wear butterflies,so i sewed on butterflies onto her shirt with the left over fabric from her friend's clip...and i dug around and found watercolors and a journal of blank pages for her friend to paint in. Lord-you are so good! i didn't have to pay a dime for her gift! i even re-used wrapping!!
out of all of this processing (thanks for bearing with my processing!) is this:
each day is a new day. he makes all things new each day. that is including me. i bear his image. i don't bear a huge red "D" on my shirt telling the world i'm a debtor. however, aren't we all? aren't we all in debt to the one who saved our life from the dominion of darkness? i could never repay what he has done for me. how can i think that i can repay what i've gotten myself into here on earth without him? lord, help me to continue to see that you forgive our transgressions and deliver us from evil and that this is not my kingdom to control, but your kingdom. may your kingdom come and your will be done, not mine.

The Good

in light of facing our debt...here is the good that i have seen from it that i wanted to post in sort of thanksgiving theme fashion. i know we all have so much to be thankful for, but i just feel like this year, especially, i am so thankful.
i'm thankful for the roof over our head, the food on our table, the warmth of our home and that we have clothes, food, shelter, warm shower, warm bed and a loving community that is holding us, caring for us and just amazing
i'm thankful for our cars. they are old. but they run and are paid for in full.
i'm thankful for the fact that our budget pays for all our bills, puts some in savings, and even in the face of all that we are facing, somehow, the Lord is coordinating all our money in such a way that i'm shocked we can actually afford to buy some presents for christmas.
i'm thankful my in laws bought me a sewing machine that i can sew gifts and dresses for christmas this year
i'm thankful that this time of facing our marriage and uncovering things that were hidden is refining, purifiying and all around hard. now, that sounds weird to be thankful for this, but i don't ever want to live in fear anymore-fear of being found out-fear of hiding...i'm so thankful for ryan and his gentle gracious pursuit of my heart and his calm patient presence as i gave him my uncovered heart. you'd think after 11 years of marriage that i'd know this about my husband...but so many years of hurt and brokeness told me that trusting others was too risky. it told me that i could just keep the secrets locked away in my heart and i woudln't have to share them with anyone...but the voices of those secrets became too much to bear...and ryan received my whole life...my whole heart this year. i am so thankful for this man who loves me in all my beauty and all my mess.
i'm so thankful for grace. what would we do without our saviors grace?
i'm so thankful that i have made it since august 29th without shopping. i did buy one bag of hair stuff at savers for $3 but they are old headbands to recover for my nieces and daughter for christmas presents so they'll have matching hair stuff to go with their skirts and dresses. but..i've done it! even the fabric i have people have given to me...i need more elastic, but my process is to tell ryan what i'm doing, where i'm going and what i'm getting. this is the next phase of this journey-how to shop with the money i have and how to shop with ryan knowing about it.

Gifts

i have a dear friend who needs a job. somehow we were able to scrape a bit together to give her some money to help her make her rent and bills. i just feel for her. this is what we are called to do. be the body. be the church. if someone is in need of clothes, give them clothes...if they need food, give food. if they need money...get the point? in acts chapter 2 is says:
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need....
this is what we are suppose to do...i just wish i could give more...
then the lord gave back to us...
i am usually the one that is so willing to support, serve, bake, give whatever is needed to help others. it doesn't really occur to me that i should also be the recipient of someone elses gifts. that is a discipline. it's a discpline to give just as much as it is a discpline to receive...i'm learning this!
case in point...we have dear friends who committed to giving us some money each month for three months in a effort to help us save for the months that i don't get paid to teach (as an adjunct, i only get paid when i teach, not throughout the year...and i don't get benefits either...at least we do with ry's job!). so january and feb were going to be rough. so rough we thought that ry would have to get a second job. our friend's generousity, although pretty hard to receive since i know they need the month too, is amazing. i'd give them money in a heartbeat...and they did for us.
yesterday my father in law just handed me money and said he knew we needed some help. again, didn't ask. what does god see ahead of us that he knows we'll need this? off to savings it goes. in times past, we'd go out to eat with it, party it up with that extra cash...and i'm so stoked to say it's going in savings!! ah....lord, thank you for those little gifts here and there. how does that happen??!! it's the prompting of your spirit in others...seriously...lord,....i'm humbled....thank you. please bless the families who are coming along side us and helping us in this time...bless them...provide clarity for their lives as they begin to transition and bring my dear sister a job that will give her vacation pay and benefits. amen.
how have you seen the lord provide for you? it may not be as blatent as money handed to you...it could be in so many other ways...please share!

I Did It

I did it:

so...today i celebrated with friends at a bridal shower. i had to go get a gift. i had $20 to spend. how can i make a meaningful gift for my friend count with $20? THIS is a challenge for me because i LOVE to get gifts for my friends. i love thinking about them...considering their loves and creatively searching for a gift that represents them well and shows more care than just a gift card (although, sometimes, those are just as amazing!)
so, i walked into a mall folks. a mall! a pretty great one down in south orange county. (if you have ever watched the real housewives of OC, it's one of the malls near them...just an indicator of the materialism i was to experience). it was a bit of overload. i gripped my strong black coffee....i opened the door....walked around a bit...got my bearings, took a deep breath....walked into crate and barrell....and got four little glass bowls and a pair of cute undies and wrapped them in a darling harvest-y dish towel instead of using paper wrapping...and it came to $22!!! (i just gave 2 bucks of my allowance towards to cause!) ah....i did it. i stayed within budget. well...2 bucks over...but i had the two dollars left in my allowance that i didn't spend at breakfast with my friend!!!
i walked around a bit more. i saw a jcrew. jcrew is like crack to me (reference previous posts!). i walked in. and i looked at things in the perspective of "could i sew this? could i embelish this on a current tshirt?" it was sooo great!! they also had a crewcuts section (their kids clothing line) and totally was in love with their girls stuff and thought, "hey...i can maybe make this!".....amazing. i felt no shame. i felt overwhelmed, but it felt good to look at what was out there and to get inspired.
there was a shirt at forever 21 for $11 that was DaRRRRling....sigh....i walked away. even though it was only $11 and would be SOOOO cute with slacks for teaching or under my vintage-y anthro blazer that my dad in law got me....i walked away.
one small step towards acclimation....one giant leap for me!!
it was a good day. (abs, thanks for the prayers dear friend!)
oh...and i was amongst great friends too....

Test Run

Test Run:

tonight i went shopping. i know....against the 'no shopping experiment' i've committed myself to. but i didn't buy anything. here is what went on...
i went with a friend to ikea, another place that is such a temptation. i didn't go to throw myself into temptation. i went so our kids could all play together and to have an hour to just wander with my friend. by the way, did you know you could drop off your potty trained child at ikea in their safe guarded childcare area for an hour of free play?? free?? well... i dare say it is not free. their intention is briliant! keep your kids in here for an our and shop undistracted, spend money...not free. there is more temptation when they are not distracting you to purchase things. i found myself just really not caring to be there and wanting to just sit and read. maybe next time i'll just go drop them off, grab a coffee and roll and sit and read. or just do that while their in school where i can bring my own coffee from home and read w/o spending the money on gas and being their tempted to shop! ah..always trying to thinking outside the box on this life of mine!
i think what struck me the most is that i didn't linger to see what i wanted or could have. i actually needed a new lampshade. it was only $10. but do i really need it? i asked myself this. the lamp has been in a cupboard for over a year not being used. we have plently of light in our home. it might be nice to have another, but that $10 that i didn't spend actually then paid for our dinner and dessert for all three of us.
it wasn't so hard to be there...i also had a great dear dear friend with me who also knows my journey rather intimately and having her near was secure indeed and a gift.
so, i think this marks a month one of my experiment...of rehab. it's not been hard yet, but i pray against all that is around me that i will not be tempted but be delivered from evil. oh, the lord's prayer has been a close companion these days. i pray you find comfort in it as well.
also-thank you to those who have left comments. they are such an encouragement to me. please feel free to leave comments, ask questions...i know that i am not alone...and i don't want you to feel alone either.

Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster:

what a rollercoaster life can be, and how suseptable i am to the road it takes me on.
late monday i received an email that one of the classes i teach was cancelled due to low enrollement. i was devestated. i wept. not for the loss of the class, but for the loss of security it provided. how were we going to make it? then, the all too familiar voices began to revisit my mind in such a flurry i could barely recall what was truth.
you are to blame for this
if it wasn't for you, your budget would allow for this kind of adjustment, now you are screwed and you screwed your family again in the process
then...all of the things that we need to have worked on came flooding to my mind
ry threw is back out, if you were not in the situation, he could go get his back worked on
you need a new transmission
the battery in your car just died, now you need a new battery...
relentless...like the dips and turns of a rollercoaster you can't get off of...as your face cuts through the wind while you barrel down the dips and turns, it is inescapable...
however, the Lord reminded me how inescapable He is and how His plans are just around the corner. almost like the brakes of the roller coaster began to work and slowly did their job to end the ride...
instead of turning towards my addiction which would be me going to target and walking around, or surfing online for a deal (target, anthropologie and jcrew are basically crack to me-they are my bermuda triangle!), I did two things. One-I talked to Ryan. this would seem like the first response, right? NO! in the length of our marriage, if ever there was a crisis in our finances, i would just go inward, listen to the voices above, then try to fix it on my own. which, never works. i would bear the responsibility of what was going on becuase i felt so much shame and guilt over hiding where we really were at. i was so fearful that he'd leave if i told him the real truth. well...i now know that he won't leave. (more on that whole story another day). it felt so good to talk to ryan about it. next, i took a long hot shower and prayed as i washed away what i felt like. i wept in the shower, yelled (the kids were napping thankfully! swim lessons have been making them really tired!) out all of my interior thoughts just trying to navigate my way through them to find truth again. i felt like the shower was pelting me at first, just a metaphor of all the lies i felt like were raining on my body...then it turned...i began to feel as though the shower was indeed doing it's job-it was washing them away...i looked on the floor of the tub and watched the water move it's way towards the drain and disappear...i felt a release, like the water was the puddle of thoughts, emotions, explitives and lies i was wearing. maybe it was from the yelling which is quite cathartic coupled with the metaphor the Lord was showing me as i stood naked before Him yelling. I then only had just a slight whispher left in me, "Lord-I need you. I can't fix this. I need you." I went to dry off and just fell into bed and took a really great long nap. after the nap, i got an email asking me to teach another class. i was in awe. really, Lord? you heard me?
in that moment, and the moments following to finish this week's rollercoaster, i just sat back and watched the Lord provide for us in ways I can describe, but just cannot do them justice. Every night this week our dinners were provided for, which saved us money in our grocery budget. all the lunches we had were either made for us or we had them in our fridge...same with breakfast...with a little extra thought, i made a little extra coffee in my french press so i could take some on road with me instead of getting starbucks and my parents slipped me $80 to get a new battery and a car wash.
It brings the words of the Psalmist, David to mind to vividly, I wonder if he felt this way as he penned these words from his 139th Psalm,
...Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Truly Lord, the thought of you and your care and intimate knowledge of me is too wonderful. Not in the sense of wonderful we think (oh how wonderful!) no, Lord-like WONDER...i'm in awe...it is too much for me to wonder upon. Even when I doubt and basically throw a temper tantrum in the shower, you are there and you take it. Even when I sit and gaze upon your creation, you are there. Thank you Lord that you hold me in fast...I am in awe...
what will happen this week, Lord??? let's strap back in that rollercoaster-i'm up for it

Uncomfortable

Uncomfortable:

my birthday was this past saturday and my parents took me to breakfast (my FAVORITE!) and a movie. there was some time prior to the moving starting and we wandered around and walked into ann taylor loft. they got me a pair of pants and a skirt-totaling $10.81 (seriously amazing deal)
BUT...i was sooo uncomfortable being there. should i have let them buy me these things? should i have just sat at starbucks with the ice tea they got me (ahh..green tea ice tea sweetened...nothing like it!) and stayed put? i basically shopped!! that's illegal to this addict! it's like a porn addict going to a strip club or getting a playboy or something. what was i thinking? i felt guitly the whole time there.
but...a question a dear friend posed to me...is it shopping or staying within your means that is the issue? do i need to learn how to spend within my means? um...yes, yes i do. i want things. i want to get fabric to be creative and make clothes and pillows and things. i get an allowance...so how do i learn to stay within my means....
i still need to avoid clothing stores at the moment...but learning what i learned here was paramount. pausing myself and considering...not binging and purging...

Discovery

Discovery:

for years on and off from 8th grade to about my 2nd year of college, i struggled with anorexia. i know this is pretty common for gals during that time of life...then in more recent stages of life i see myself going to food for comfort when i used to abstain from it as a form of punishment and control. i made a corelation to my struggle with shopping...
when i shop i binge...i shop hard, i spend lots, i come home and then feel guilt, bloated, full...terrible. i take things back, i try to hide my purchases, when i can't take things back, i try to sell them-i purge. get the sense here that there is simular habits? it was this ah-ha moment for me...i transfered one addiction with another. have i been addicted that long? have i binged and purged for that long?
i look around my home and see the clutter and just begin to feel so full and clostrophobic that i just want to sell everything, start fresh, pay off debt...but no matter how much we sell, it won't solve the problem-nor do we have that nice of posessions to liquidate for mass profit. then we'd be sitting on the ground. eating off of one plate. would i feel better then? do i need to be punished for lying, is that what i am looking for? when i was a child (and beyond) if i did something wrong, i'd be sent to my room and basically i'd be there till the pieces of my heart were put back together by myself. no one would come and double check on me. there was no conflict resolution, no apologies, no grace. is it any wonder i keep waiting for the bottom to drop and to be punished because of what i did?
there is so much more i am learning. i'm learning that Love is the change agent that is changing my heart. His love is totally unfamiliar because it's pure. No matter what I do, nothing can separate me from His love. No matter how much i cry, blame myself, try to sell things, He is just holding me telling me calmly that this is not my identity, this is not my name. that he isn't leaving me as i was left to fix myself growing up. He is changing me. I can't fix myself any longer...i don't want to starve, binge and purge anymore.
i am enough. what i am is enough. please lord help that to sink in...help my skin to not repel it like water to oil...help it to penetrate.

Green

Green:

as i have been navigating through my no shopping experiment, it has caused be to think in an eco fashion. i'm am already one who really attempts to consider purchases in regards to our homegoods (food, cleaning materials, paper goods etc...). and i found myself today considering another sort of fork in the road decision as i am not suppose to be shopping.
my little girl begins kindergarten here in a couple weeks. my first gut reaction to this (other than sobs!) are, "oh, we need to get her...." fill in the dots. i found myself browsing sites for backpacks, lunchbags etc....then i began to think, "well, if we are going to do this, we should consider what materials they are made from and how they are being made" so i began to internet shop for eco school supplies. then i stopped myself. isn't what i am doing, my self prescribed no shopping sort of green? isn't the whole point to stop consuming and or consider what it is you are consuming and it's effects on you and the planet? so, i looked around the house and have a backpack and a lunchbag for her. perfectly still in tact and ready to use. maybe it's not bpa free or made from a sustainable and regenerating product (bamboo, hemp...) but at least i'm not spending money and have yet another backpack on our shelf! so...then...the whole idea of ziplocks and what i should do with that came to mind...
my point is...it never stops. the thoughts of consumption don't end. how can i make what i have around the house into something that can not be a ziplock-maybe i can make one of those wraps that contain fruits, veggies and sandwiches....i wish i had some oilcloth around the house, i'd sew up something!!
in all of these little bits of daily thoughts, they draw my attention to the cross. i wonder what His thoughts are on this whole journey? Lord-i do not want to do any part of this fast without you. i have done so much of my life with you, but compartmentalized this part of my life from you. now that there is no stone unturned, please dear Lord, please show me continually, how to consider all the layers that make up the addiction to consume and shop. thank you for slowing and stoping me from shopping and helping me to look around and to consider how to repurpose what is around me. i am so blessed to possess what we already have...give me a fresh perspective to use and re-use wisely not just to care for our planet, but most importantly, to care for our family. we have so much. thank you for the blessings you have given to us...man, Lord-what a lesson in stewardship this is.

Moved...

I've moved my 'no shopping experiment' to just being here at our adventures. I've wanted to move it for a while, but have been busy. I took the time tonight to copy all my old blogs about it, and will be in the process of moving them here. Bear with me as some older posts about no shopping that you may have read will be here and repeated. Still not shopping (except for a few very needed items) till my birthday in August. I don't even know what that will be like! Anyway...enjoy.

My Story:

So, here is a bit of the background of my story which will hopefully illuminate the reason why i am choosing to abstain from shopping for a semester (or maybe a year-going to re-evaluate this in the wintertime)

4 years into marriage and $12,000 of credit debt, I looked into going back to school. I didn't know how this was going to happen as I looked over credit statements showing us where we were at. However, there was no 'We" in this. I paid the bills, I was the one who told Ryan where we were at with the money-and I didn't tell him where we were at financially. As long as everything was paid and he had money in his pocket, he didn't ask or need to wonder where we were at. He began the wonder how we were able to afford some of the things we were doing, but never brought it up. This was ths Spirit beginning to prompt him to ask..,

One evening I went to my in-laws house to talk to them about school and if they would be willing to help out with the costs of it. It was at that time they shared with me of an inheritance they were going to be giving us from Ed's mother who has recently passed. This amount would mostly pay for school and pay off our debt. I cried. I cried for three reasons. One, that the Lord knew-he knew the exact number we needed and he saved us in ways we would never have been able to save ourselves. Two-humbled to my core that he would save us in the midst of my utter sin. And three-i had to tell ryan financially where we were at.

Well...a slap on the hand, two degrees, two children and 5 years later, we find ourselves in the same predicament again. How did this happen again!!? We were in the clear! I know why...I hid. I hid from the man I commited my life to an addiction I had that I kept saying I had under control. Shopping. There is a caviat-i'm not the only one-my husband loves to buy things and go out to eat etc..etc...but i never said no, we can't afford this or that. Consumption really is the word of my addiction. But, am I alone? I have to admit, it feels pretty lonely here...I know I am not though...

This is why I am choosing to blog about it. Well...several reasons. I type faster than I write, but of paramount cause-because I don't want to hide anymore. If I continue to choose the path that I have chosen to live, loss will be my future. Satan will do anything to continue his directive in me to hide-and I can't let that happen anymore. Where there is light, there is no darkness. I want to be known. I have NO clue who will find this blog and read it, but my prayer is that it reasonates with some in a some small degree, and that as I process and journey my way through my self-prescribed rehab, that we can all minister to one another.

Who doesn't have an addiction of some sort? What does it look like to walk each day thinking outside the box of consumption and to see how truly each one of my needs has been met and I need for not that much.

thank you for indulging me as I wonder into this world of light and Love. welcome to my blog. welcome to my journey.

Kindergarten...

My little one...wants to be a professor. Just like me (well..i'm sort of a professor!) Ah..my heart runneth over!

Oh my dear lu-lu (one of Emily's MANY nicknames!) graduated from Kindergarten. Where has the time gone!?!?!?

RIP

My red shoes. I know...random post. But you have NO idea how long i've tried to maintain and hold onto these red shoes. Got them at good'ol Target 4 years ago (should have bought a few pairs!) but I can no longer glue or sharpie them. Since i'm not suppose to be shopping till August, I had a dilema this past week. Replace, keep wearing my sad little shoes, what to do, what to do...
Target had a sale for $15 red shoes. So, I told Ry and I got new shoes. Yeah!! Sorry, dear friend. We walked many a road together...time to say goodbye.

Ed's Retirement

Workin' the crowd

Ed is a HUGE, ENORMOUS USC fan. They used that theme throughout the party.

The Family (Linda not pictured, she is about to give a little speech)

My awesome father in law, Ed, retired from 35yrs of teach this year. The PTA threw him a suprise party that we knew about for months, yet somehow managed to keep it from him!! Below are some of the photo highlights from that night...oh and get ready...I finally found my photo computer cord, so i'm a photo uploading fool today!! hooray for updates!!!

Ed with his cakes

Ed and his lovely sister. We had her fly in to suprise him in case the party leaked and he found out about it. Well...it didn't leak, and to watch his suprise about the gathering when he walked into the hall was amazing, then to realize LeeAnn was here, was just a double treat. Thanks for flying out!!!

The boys...what is Will thinking in this photo?!?!

sunland..

SO....We (as in Ryan and I) drove out to Sunland. We left at 3:15 and took the 5, we did this intentionally because if we were to move out there, on Thursdays, i'd be coming back to Sunland from Biola at that time (that's when one of the classes I would teach next fall gets out) and it took exactly 1 hour to get to Sunland from Biola. There was only a little bit of traffic. So, we got there, were greeted by Duke, the senior pastor, and he took us to dinner. It was so nice to finally meet him in person. We talked about our process from the time we said no to Sunland till now. Then we went back to the church and met the elders. Again, so thankful to finally meet them in person. After we shared with them about our process over the past few months, to then receive Duke's email and the process with that over the past two weeks, they shared their process and how even on their end, the time between was God ordained and they needed that time as well. They got a chance to get to know me a bit, and we are moving forward in this hiring process with them. The stewardship committee is meeting between now and July 18th (the next time we meet with them, it will be to meet the leaders of the church at a bbq) and then will give us their offer.

Thank you for your prayers. I feel so thankful and it's been amazing to sit back and watch the Lord work this all out. I know I wasn't so thankful several weeks ago, and couldn't see what the Lord was up to, even though I knew he had to be up to something since he closed a door at Talbot for me. I sit expectant to now watch him work this all out.

Update

Thank you so much for those who left comments and also folks who wrote me encouragement in this time. I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you (abbie...sorry!) it has just been non-stop.

I'll pick up where I left off. We heard back from Sunland. From what I hear, this is not typical. Once you tell churches no, they don't come back to you. I recalled as I looked over my journal that if we say no to any church, Lord, if it was the wrong move, would you please bring it back to us. I know that I haven't posted this, but all along after saying no to Sunland, I kept thinking, "was this wrong?" I just didn't know if it was wrong or right. I didn't want to think about it because I felt like I was considering Sunland again out of fear because we didn't have any other 'yes' out there. But, we moved and trusted in faith. And Sunland came back.

So, a LOT has happened this past week, but to summarize, we wrote back and forth with the (ah...coffee..just took my first sip of it....hello friend!) Duke, the senior pastor, and we are going out there for dinner (the two of us with Duke) next wednesday, then a meeting with elder board that night. Then if all goes well and i'm sure further talks, job descriptions, answered questions of the reasons why we said no the last time and why we're saying yes now (i'll answer that in a moment), we meet with the search committee on July 18th (right after Ryan preaches at our church) for a bbq get to know you and your family time.

I think the reasons why we said no, a few remain to be answered. I think some of those questions might not be answered until you get into the job. You can't predict every scenario, every political fight, every triumph. Church can be such a haven, yet also such a prison, and we have felt both as we have served in various capacities. Truth be told, I just think it's down right scary at times to go back into church ministry after all we've gone through at different churches. However, we still feel so very called to ministry, together, in the church. One major reason why we said no, was the fact that we just didn't have a 'no' yet from Talbot. And last monday , we received that no. I still have a job there, but I can make it how ever many hours I want, which with the potential of moving further away and with kiddos, this works out really great. The Lord knew this when he said no to us/me at Talbot. I'm so thankful he let me know right away why he said no...that was super kind!

So, we covet your continued prayers. Discernment is a huge one-we don't want to take this out of fear that there is nothing else out there. There is the hope of something else out there that we will more than likely hear about next week too. There is also another church that has contacted Ryan...so they are not our only thing...just our only sure thing. But, is that so wrong? We prayed. God responded. In a way we had NO idea about, could not even manipulate or plan. Please also pray that we'd have clear communication with the pastor to know exactly their expectations of Ryan and that some of the things they offered in the last time we spoke still are on the table for us. Oh, another big reason we said no was because of health care. They were not going to offer it to us. Please pray that either that changes, or our talk with one of their elders who is in insurance is helpful, provides health care that we can afford that is not going to forsake our family's well being. Again, I say these things fully knowing that the Lord will move you to pray on our behalf as he leads you...and fully knowing that if this is the place we are to go, that He will fill in the gaps and make it work. He has so far....he's even let me lament and cry out to him in despair (see two posts ago!) and still cares for me in each.

Lastly...a dear friend said to us, "give yourself permission to make the wrong decision". i wonder if by saying no the last time, that was the wrong decision because it was so hard to say no-it was such a leap of faith...and we liked Duke so very much and the idea of them being able to work together and basically co-pastor together, was (at least to me in my words) dreamy. Now, it's back. And even if it might be a wrong decision even now...I just don't think it is. I say that so boldly because we are praying, we are in his will, we are not off galavanting (sp?) and seeking out other things apart from the Lord. We are abiding. If it's not what we are suppose to do, then he'll make it apparent and provide another job later. He won't let us fall (ps 55, matthew 6:25-34). He made that clear last week...even when I knew in my head that he wouldn't let us fall, my heart needed to catch up.

thanks for your prayers and for reading while i process...i/we'll keep you posted.

what?!!?!

literally as i finished typing this blog we needed to check ryan's email. in it was an email from duke, the pastor from sunland basically asking us if we might want to re-open the dialogue for considering the assoc. pastor position. what are you up to Lord?

we'll keep you posted...

what a week....

what a week! i'll post some photos soon (once i find my computer/photo cord!) ...but here is a recap:

final push to move
thursday morning had an interview at ISF for a job
aunt leeann came to town and picked her up at the airport on thursday, spent the night with her at the westin, did dessert and breakfast...super fun (HAPPY 60th!!!)
hid our dear aunt from her brother, my dear father in law for 24hrs
did some final moving prep for the big move on saturday
celebrated my father in law's retirement from 35yrs of teaching on friday night, finally got to let leeann out of the bag and she was a secret no longer
friday night-last night spent in hart hall...very emotional
woke up, got starbucks and coffee and moved 9 years of life to a new chapter that is yet to be written...literal. (i'll say more to that later)
moved (THANK YOU daus, stumps, hoopers, charity, julie, nate, alex, ryan, hubby, jake, daniel, mom and the many others who helped days/weeks prior...it really does take a village)
unpacked all weekend
monday found out i didn't get the job

so....now, we sit, in a new condo that thankfully we don't own and the rent is covered for a year. we have ry's paycheck till the end of july. we have a camp he is preaching at the first week in august...but other than that-the future is as clear as a blizzard.

to say that the last 48 hrs have been difficult is an understatement. in all honesty, i didn't think i was going to get the job for a few significant reason. one not being that i'm not qualified. i had all the qualifications-i had done everything on that job description. it just wasn't the best move for our family, and the Lord had to make that decision for us because frankly, in my human estimation, it was the best for our family. it would provide a stable income, insurance and it would be a job that i could do and i think love. i'm still employed as a spiritual director and adjunct professor. but i won't get paid till the end of september for the new semester of teaching (thankfully, they gave us a little raise). if i worked full time (it was more than a 40hr a week job, although they say it's only 40hrs), ry wouldn't have time to interview with churches b/c he'd have to be mr. mom. so, again, i understand....in my head...my heart however has yet to catch up with that. you can tell me logistically that we will be taken care of-i know that. but my heart is freaking out and despairing of what will happen to us. i know we will be carried, and that the lord has us in his hand. we have a roof over our head, food on the table...but i longed for some sort of stability... i know that the lord is stable...but this currently feels unstable. and i'm tired. this has been a hell of a semester...from interviewing in december with santa maria, to going up there, to not taking that job, to sunland, to not taking that job, to long beach, to not hearing back from them, to hearing about this job at talbot in february, then again in april, then waiting till the end of may for an interview, only to find out i didn't get it. why then did they even ask me to apply and interview for this position if they knew that they wouldn't hire me?! if you can tell, i'm grieving...on so many levels. grieving the loss of biola...grieving the loss of hart...grieving the loss of what i thought was an open door for talbot, perhaps another one will open, but at this point, we will search all over for a new job and it may take us out of the state...so i'm now grieving that because i didn't want to leave...

lord-what do you want from us in this time? i wanted us to rest after 9 years of living, loving, serving and ministering to college students...but how can i/we rest in this time with the future is so unwritten (in my sight, i know not yours)? sigh.....what are we going to do? lord-help. that is all i can muster in this time. show yourself.

sorry. this isn't the most uplifting of posts. but i'd be lying if i didn't share this. i needed to get it out. grief is messy, hard, sad, despairing, angry, weepy...

i think our experience over the past week/months has brought to mind birth. you are growing and maturing something so tender and beautiful for 9 months (our last 9 months at biola) and then birth occurs. it's rough. sometimes the labor is long, or super quick. you can't fully prepare for it no matter how much of an epidural or birth coaching you receive. once you get there, you have to do it. then birth happens...and all of the facets of after birth...sleep depervation, holding, crying, sleeping, caring...i just feel like i birthed. i'm getting rest. i'm eating, but the all of a sudden a wave of pain comes, like a contraction or that moment when you are trying everything in your power to help your newborn sleep, or eat...and it's not working. you just have to be patient and wait it out....

however, i'm tired...my sleep isn't restful...i wake up to the reality of our reality...and wonder what will happen today...

thanks for listening. thanks for your prayers. i'll keep you posted.