There has been much transition going on, so I actually just occurred to me, about three weeks ago, that my birthday has passed....thus ending my year of abstaining from shopping. It was rather odd...I went shopping with my Aunt in law and realized this. I was in one of the top three places I LOVE almost more than coffee (almost!) Anthropologie. We wandered around...tried things on...and I used some birthday money, allowance and a gift card to pick up a several great little items. I left the store, we wandered more around another new favorite place out here, The Americana @ Brand in Glendale. LOVE this place. LOVE. We ate our way through all the little vendors...drove home. And the hunger came. The ideas came. The negotiations came. I began to reason in my mind about going back to pick up a couple other items. I started to think about not how I could repurpose things that I already had into something I had seen in the store. That hunger to want to go back stuck with me for a few days actually.
I don't know if I have come to any profound conclusion to this drive and desire. Also in retrospect, what is life going to look like now outside and inside a store with no said boundaries outside of my pocketbook? My first thought was rather condemning. "Well, this means that ends shopping for you again, you can't handle it." Well, perhaps that voice has a place in this discussion. However, I don't think that is what this past year's process was about. It was beyond way more than behavioral modification. It was not only to examine the drive behind the desire to shop, to look cute, to hide behind the facade of a perfect outfit...and it was not only to learn to actually spend within my means-which I must be frank-didn't always happen either even with clothing shopping out of the picture. And to be more frank-i'm thankful about the fact that I didn't do it perfectly! (that is so me though, to do it perfectly) If I was perfect about it, would that not defeat the whole purpose? The point was to not only turn to God in those moments of need-to need something greater than the temporary fix an outfit brought to comfort me, it was to not look to shopping as my be-all, end-all comforter. It was also to go to God and seek out why it was that I didn't trust His comfort and to thus seek a replacement in the first place and how to confide to Ryan and others in my life about struggles that I have.
The journey is not over. The issue isn't solved. I will want to shop, whether at my dear Anthro. Target or Jcrew...I will also want to shop for fabric and paint, homegoods and garage sales for things for our home...so now, how do I / we walk into spending, saving, paying off, teaching ourselves and our children how to also do those very things we are now learning?
For those who have journeyed with me on this, thank you for your comments and support through this whole year. I'm actually very thankful that this journey isn't over-the problem is not solved, I have had the mentality for too long that everything needs to have a neat and complete ending. The only thing that I pray will be over or done or fixed about this whole process is that when the desire to shop comes, what I have learned will remain, intervene when I need it to, and most paramount-lead me to the one who created me to have desires, drives and loves and how He'll not only fill them-but also show me how to shop in a way that is not manic, filling and replacing his post.
Showing posts with label no shopping experiment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label no shopping experiment. Show all posts
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Moved
I've moved my 'no shopping experiment' to just being here at our adventures. I've wanted to move it for a while, but have been busy. I took the time tonight to copy all my old blogs about it, and will be in the process of moving them here. Bear with me as some older posts about no shopping that you may have read will be here and repeated. Still not shopping (except for a few very needed items) till my birthday in August. I don't even know what that will be like! Anyway...enjoy.
My Story:
So, here is a bit of the background of my story which will hopefully illuminate the reason why i am choosing to abstain from shopping for a semester (or maybe a year-going to re-evaluate this in the wintertime)
4 years into marriage and $12,000 of credit debt, I looked into going back to school. I didn't know how this was going to happen as I looked over credit statements showing us where we were at. However, there was no 'We" in this. I paid the bills, I was the one who told Ryan where we were at with the money-and I didn't tell him where we were at financially. As long as everything was paid and he had money in his pocket, he didn't ask or need to wonder where we were at. He began the wonder how we were able to afford some of the things we were doing, but never brought it up. This was ths Spirit beginning to prompt him to ask..,
One evening I went to my in-laws house to talk to them about school and if they would be willing to help out with the costs of it. It was at that time they shared with me of an inheritance they were going to be giving us from Ed's mother who has recently passed. This amount would mostly pay for school and pay off our debt. I cried. I cried for three reasons. One, that the Lord knew-he knew the exact number we needed and he saved us in ways we would never have been able to save ourselves. Two-humbled to my core that he would save us in the midst of my utter sin. And three-i had to tell ryan financially where we were at.
Well...a slap on the hand, two degrees, two children and 5 years later, we find ourselves in the same predicament again. How did this happen again!!? We were in the clear! I know why...I hid. I hid from the man I commited my life to an addiction I had that I kept saying I had under control. Shopping. There is a caviat-i'm not the only one-my husband loves to buy things and go out to eat etc..etc...but i never said no, we can't afford this or that. Consumption really is the word of my addiction. But, am I alone? I have to admit, it feels pretty lonely here...I know I am not though...
This is why I am choosing to blog about it. Well...several reasons. I type faster than I write, but of paramount cause-because I don't want to hide anymore. If I continue to choose the path that I have chosen to live, loss will be my future. Satan will do anything to continue his directive in me to hide-and I can't let that happen anymore. Where there is light, there is no darkness. I want to be known. I have NO clue who will find this blog and read it, but my prayer is that it reasonates with some in a some small degree, and that as I process and journey my way through my self-prescribed rehab, that we can all minister to one another.
Who doesn't have an addiction of some sort? What does it look like to walk each day thinking outside the box of consumption and to see how truly each one of my needs has been met and I need for not that much.
thank you for indulging me as I wonder into this world of light and Love. welcome to my blog. welcome to my journey.
Monday, June 28, 2010
quiet
Quiet:
I've been pretty quiet from here for a while. You know when you have not talked to a friend in quite a while and then you begin to realize that the more distance between conversations, you'll need further explanation into why the distance became wider and wider. That is how I feel about dialouging about this. It is not as thought I want to avoid talking about what is going on inside in this process of not shopping, but I have to be honest, it does get a bit tiring. Have you ever wanted something to just be done? It's not that I am desperate to shop, that i want my rehab to be done...in fact...this week for the first time I bought a cardigan. I wanted to go into a store (KMart...I know...not glamous, but not a tempting place for me. I thought I'd check out a cardigan while I picked up medicine for our daughter) and see about a cardigan. I had my allowance...I found the exact color cardigan i'd been looking for (blue) and it is a cute boyfriend kind of cardi...got it ($12!) and came home. the interesting thing is, i felt the need to hide my purchase. I didn't want to tell Ryan because am I suppose to shop yet? The rehab isn't over till 8/29/10...
So...it was a weird conversation to have with Ryan about my cardigan. He was fine with it...I think i wasn't. like I was committing adultry to my rehab committment. Part of it is re-emursing myself it shopping in a healthy way...how do you do that? is there really a right way?
another reason of being quiet...there has been a lot of other things going on by way of vocational distractions that have kept me occupied rather than thinking about shopping...and i've found myself not really thinking about shopping or filling the void, space or bordem or avoidance of things with shopping. you may ask, "what then are you filing it with?" well...I just honestly have't had the time to think about shopping. I even have some gift cards that I could spend (was given permission to spend them, but may hold onto them till my birthday) and just haven't wanted to. i have filled the void with busyness. I have a load of clients / directees this semester, teaching two classes (or rather facilitating groups within those classes) and trying to figure out my husband's potential job (he's been interviewing at several places). but i think mostly the quiet has been wondering if i really had anything to share, to say...there are some familiar voices that have been visiting in my mind (you wouldn't need x amount of dollars from any job he's hunting for if you didn't have this debt...) blah blah blah...i just keep telling those voices, 'blah blah blah' so what else do you have to say?!?! don't you just get tired of those voices? relentless, just beginning to become quiet as well...
so many challenges still...but still plugging away at the rehab...
It has been a while since I have visited this blog. I think so much was going on that I just couldn't write it. It felt too overwhelming...Even now it feels overwhelming, but cathartic as well. I have wanted to write, but just didn't have it in me.
The road of dying to your self and watching Christ redeem is a hard road. Transformation is hard. Hard is not even a strong enough word. There are days of victory, and days of utter defeat.
I haven't shopped since my birthday...haven't even wanted to even venture into a store actually. I've even sort of stopped reading all the blogs I was reading on how to repurspose clothing because it was bringing up that feeling of I have to make this, I have to do this, I have to show that I am creative, productive and NOT what I am feeling right now. So, I stopped.
The defeat I have been feeling is just knowing and sitting in my sin and there is nothing i can do about it...yet here is the victory and one who can do something about it...he can redeem. he is and has
here is where we've been with the Lord the last two days....
Me:
2 Cor 3:12-18
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We
are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the
Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But
their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when
the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in
Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a]
the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with
ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Hello....17-18....especially 18....And we, who with unveild faces all reflect the Lord's glory....stop here...
I reflect His glory? BECAUSE OF CHRIST!! The veil has been lifted. Whenever I turn to the Lord, the veil is taken away. He paid the price for my sin. I can't fix myself, I can't fix our finances (I can be from this point on someone who submits, surrenders and obeys his call of stewardship...I can turn from my ways and into his redpemtive power that illuminates the path towards wisdom, grace and truth)...but he is transforming me/us. He is showing us radically not how we spend, but the why...and through this surrender of control-that every purchase doesn't only cost money, but there is another cost to it as well, isn't there? That cost is the deeper journey....Do I need this? Does this fill me or does Christ? I can have nice things, but is it within our budget...can I spend money within the budget instead of seeing that we have a little extra, so we can go out, or just live paycheck to paycheck...that is not freedom! That doesn't free me up to be able to do ministry. Debt looms....but it is SOOO teaching me so much more than just to irradicate it. Christ wants all of me....every nook and crannie....every part of my inner most being to be transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory....this transformation can only happen IN CHRIST. not in anthropologie or jcrew...i can put on a new self for you all to see...but will you see Christ in me? Isn't that our ultimate goal? Even if i put on a new purse or shoe or pant....did I do it within my means? there is a fear there that I won't be able to. What if the debt was gone...what if there was a freedom, would i run to target or run to christ? if i run to target would i spend what i am given and stay within my means, or goarge myself and binge on purchases?
and this is where Ryan was too...he could get another job...I could try to get more clients...teach more classes...but is this being responsible or is this trusting? Ryan had a second job, and through the 5 years of that second job we racked up all this debt, even when we had all that extra money, we just spent and spent and spent. God took the job and gave it to another. I have NO regrets or resentment towards that at all. We were not suppose to be in that job any longer. So...are we to get a second job? If he provided another to replace us in that job...are we to not get another one? are we suppose to surrender and trust for him to provide? ry has a job interview next week...LORD-please reveal to us in this next week wisdom as to what to do....there has been so much excavation and meetings and ideas and processing...dark hours and dreams and tears and embraces....what are we to do? which road to take, Lord? Only you can save us. You have....
I'm listening to Pandora right now (brooke fraiser radio...ah...i LOVE her! i can sing i her range!) and this song came up...I can't sing this song in church without tears....
1,000 times i have failed, still your mercy remains
should I stumble again, i'm caught in your grace
everlasting your light will shine when all else fails, never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
your will above all else still my purpose remains
the art of loosing myself, in bringing you praise
my heart and my soul, i give you control, consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and grace become my embrace
to love you from the inside out....
amen....may you be continuing the transformation even thought it's hard, painful, amazing, wonderful. may you continue to reveal your ever increasing glory in us....amen....
I've been pretty quiet from here for a while. You know when you have not talked to a friend in quite a while and then you begin to realize that the more distance between conversations, you'll need further explanation into why the distance became wider and wider. That is how I feel about dialouging about this. It is not as thought I want to avoid talking about what is going on inside in this process of not shopping, but I have to be honest, it does get a bit tiring. Have you ever wanted something to just be done? It's not that I am desperate to shop, that i want my rehab to be done...in fact...this week for the first time I bought a cardigan. I wanted to go into a store (KMart...I know...not glamous, but not a tempting place for me. I thought I'd check out a cardigan while I picked up medicine for our daughter) and see about a cardigan. I had my allowance...I found the exact color cardigan i'd been looking for (blue) and it is a cute boyfriend kind of cardi...got it ($12!) and came home. the interesting thing is, i felt the need to hide my purchase. I didn't want to tell Ryan because am I suppose to shop yet? The rehab isn't over till 8/29/10...
So...it was a weird conversation to have with Ryan about my cardigan. He was fine with it...I think i wasn't. like I was committing adultry to my rehab committment. Part of it is re-emursing myself it shopping in a healthy way...how do you do that? is there really a right way?
another reason of being quiet...there has been a lot of other things going on by way of vocational distractions that have kept me occupied rather than thinking about shopping...and i've found myself not really thinking about shopping or filling the void, space or bordem or avoidance of things with shopping. you may ask, "what then are you filing it with?" well...I just honestly have't had the time to think about shopping. I even have some gift cards that I could spend (was given permission to spend them, but may hold onto them till my birthday) and just haven't wanted to. i have filled the void with busyness. I have a load of clients / directees this semester, teaching two classes (or rather facilitating groups within those classes) and trying to figure out my husband's potential job (he's been interviewing at several places). but i think mostly the quiet has been wondering if i really had anything to share, to say...there are some familiar voices that have been visiting in my mind (you wouldn't need x amount of dollars from any job he's hunting for if you didn't have this debt...) blah blah blah...i just keep telling those voices, 'blah blah blah' so what else do you have to say?!?! don't you just get tired of those voices? relentless, just beginning to become quiet as well...
so many challenges still...but still plugging away at the rehab...
It has been a while since I have visited this blog. I think so much was going on that I just couldn't write it. It felt too overwhelming...Even now it feels overwhelming, but cathartic as well. I have wanted to write, but just didn't have it in me.
The road of dying to your self and watching Christ redeem is a hard road. Transformation is hard. Hard is not even a strong enough word. There are days of victory, and days of utter defeat.
I haven't shopped since my birthday...haven't even wanted to even venture into a store actually. I've even sort of stopped reading all the blogs I was reading on how to repurspose clothing because it was bringing up that feeling of I have to make this, I have to do this, I have to show that I am creative, productive and NOT what I am feeling right now. So, I stopped.
The defeat I have been feeling is just knowing and sitting in my sin and there is nothing i can do about it...yet here is the victory and one who can do something about it...he can redeem. he is and has
here is where we've been with the Lord the last two days....
Me:
2 Cor 3:12-18
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We
are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the
Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But
their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when
the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in
Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a]
the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with
ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Hello....17-18....especially 18....And we, who with unveild faces all reflect the Lord's glory....stop here...
I reflect His glory? BECAUSE OF CHRIST!! The veil has been lifted. Whenever I turn to the Lord, the veil is taken away. He paid the price for my sin. I can't fix myself, I can't fix our finances (I can be from this point on someone who submits, surrenders and obeys his call of stewardship...I can turn from my ways and into his redpemtive power that illuminates the path towards wisdom, grace and truth)...but he is transforming me/us. He is showing us radically not how we spend, but the why...and through this surrender of control-that every purchase doesn't only cost money, but there is another cost to it as well, isn't there? That cost is the deeper journey....Do I need this? Does this fill me or does Christ? I can have nice things, but is it within our budget...can I spend money within the budget instead of seeing that we have a little extra, so we can go out, or just live paycheck to paycheck...that is not freedom! That doesn't free me up to be able to do ministry. Debt looms....but it is SOOO teaching me so much more than just to irradicate it. Christ wants all of me....every nook and crannie....every part of my inner most being to be transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory....this transformation can only happen IN CHRIST. not in anthropologie or jcrew...i can put on a new self for you all to see...but will you see Christ in me? Isn't that our ultimate goal? Even if i put on a new purse or shoe or pant....did I do it within my means? there is a fear there that I won't be able to. What if the debt was gone...what if there was a freedom, would i run to target or run to christ? if i run to target would i spend what i am given and stay within my means, or goarge myself and binge on purchases?
and this is where Ryan was too...he could get another job...I could try to get more clients...teach more classes...but is this being responsible or is this trusting? Ryan had a second job, and through the 5 years of that second job we racked up all this debt, even when we had all that extra money, we just spent and spent and spent. God took the job and gave it to another. I have NO regrets or resentment towards that at all. We were not suppose to be in that job any longer. So...are we to get a second job? If he provided another to replace us in that job...are we to not get another one? are we suppose to surrender and trust for him to provide? ry has a job interview next week...LORD-please reveal to us in this next week wisdom as to what to do....there has been so much excavation and meetings and ideas and processing...dark hours and dreams and tears and embraces....what are we to do? which road to take, Lord? Only you can save us. You have....
I'm listening to Pandora right now (brooke fraiser radio...ah...i LOVE her! i can sing i her range!) and this song came up...I can't sing this song in church without tears....
1,000 times i have failed, still your mercy remains
should I stumble again, i'm caught in your grace
everlasting your light will shine when all else fails, never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
your will above all else still my purpose remains
the art of loosing myself, in bringing you praise
my heart and my soul, i give you control, consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and grace become my embrace
to love you from the inside out....
amen....may you be continuing the transformation even thought it's hard, painful, amazing, wonderful. may you continue to reveal your ever increasing glory in us....amen....
Catch up
Wow...it's been quite a while since I wrote....
So...if anyone IS actually reading this, I wonder if you have thoughts of what it has been like to be me in the midst of the most consumeristic season of the American year. Here is what it has been like (I should have written as each moment came...but...it was also a season of getting grades in...)
In an effort to not spend too much, we opened a separate checking account (which gifted us with $150 dollars just for joining!! extra Christmas money!) with money that was gifted to us through doing some pre-martial counseling. With that money, Ryan and I sat down one night and decided what we would spend on each member of our family that we were to exchange gifts with and those who also needed gifts due to work exchanges. With some sewing that I did (aLOT of sewing...), blowing up photos and making $10 calendars (thankYOU costco!) and re-purposing frames for gifts...etc...etc...we were able to give each person (20 folks total, including Ryan and I) a gift. It was a blessing. We also were able to give 10% of that money towards two chickens and two soccer balls via worldvision.com as a gift to Jesus. We wanted to do something with the kids in order to help them to better understand this season...i hope to make this a tradition...
how do you talk to your kids about the gifts they didn't get?
all day on christmas day our son was moping all about. he is a stubborn little man and i figured it was because he wanted to go home and play on his new drum set/kit (someone GAVE us an AWESOME drum kit because they knew he loved rock and roll music!!!). no. that wasn't it. he was upset that he didn't get a star wars laptop. this laptop that was at costco that he held in his hand for like 30 seconds...that gift is the gift that was stuck in his mind that he didn't receive....that was the cause of his moping about. once i stepped out a bit from my frustration with his attitude, i couldn't help but relate to the little guy. no matter how much i have received, or wanted...there was still a ting of wanting more...all the things that i got that didn't fill me whole. i sat in the car and talked to him a little bit about how the gifts he had received were from the heart and not to make him mad...asking him how he'd feel if we didn't like the gifts we received from him and actually told him so...and just talking and listening to him a bit more about how he liked the laptop and that indeed there are times in life we don't always get what we want...but how can we let those who love us and who thought a lot about what they purchased for you, how we can with a thankful heart give them a gift by saying thank you. man...how would you have handled that?
again, i do go back to how i relate to him. that day, i got an amazing gift. a nikon 3000 dslr. the only thing i kept thinking was, "does it do hd video?" it doesn't. i was discontent. could i be more selfish? i talked to the Lord about it. why was it that i got this amazing gift that i had wanted for soooo long...and still wished for more? can i be content? i was fine the day before when i didn't have a dslr. it is a pretty amazing camera. i was thinking out of convenience sake that having everything in one camera versus having a dslr, a video camera and a point and shoot...what if they were just all in one...my rationale was rather rational. however, still...this train of thinking still left me wanting more...
how can be content in this world when everything changes and the next and best thing will always be out there...
lord, i need you.
So...if anyone IS actually reading this, I wonder if you have thoughts of what it has been like to be me in the midst of the most consumeristic season of the American year. Here is what it has been like (I should have written as each moment came...but...it was also a season of getting grades in...)
In an effort to not spend too much, we opened a separate checking account (which gifted us with $150 dollars just for joining!! extra Christmas money!) with money that was gifted to us through doing some pre-martial counseling. With that money, Ryan and I sat down one night and decided what we would spend on each member of our family that we were to exchange gifts with and those who also needed gifts due to work exchanges. With some sewing that I did (aLOT of sewing...), blowing up photos and making $10 calendars (thankYOU costco!) and re-purposing frames for gifts...etc...etc...we were able to give each person (20 folks total, including Ryan and I) a gift. It was a blessing. We also were able to give 10% of that money towards two chickens and two soccer balls via worldvision.com as a gift to Jesus. We wanted to do something with the kids in order to help them to better understand this season...i hope to make this a tradition...
how do you talk to your kids about the gifts they didn't get?
all day on christmas day our son was moping all about. he is a stubborn little man and i figured it was because he wanted to go home and play on his new drum set/kit (someone GAVE us an AWESOME drum kit because they knew he loved rock and roll music!!!). no. that wasn't it. he was upset that he didn't get a star wars laptop. this laptop that was at costco that he held in his hand for like 30 seconds...that gift is the gift that was stuck in his mind that he didn't receive....that was the cause of his moping about. once i stepped out a bit from my frustration with his attitude, i couldn't help but relate to the little guy. no matter how much i have received, or wanted...there was still a ting of wanting more...all the things that i got that didn't fill me whole. i sat in the car and talked to him a little bit about how the gifts he had received were from the heart and not to make him mad...asking him how he'd feel if we didn't like the gifts we received from him and actually told him so...and just talking and listening to him a bit more about how he liked the laptop and that indeed there are times in life we don't always get what we want...but how can we let those who love us and who thought a lot about what they purchased for you, how we can with a thankful heart give them a gift by saying thank you. man...how would you have handled that?
again, i do go back to how i relate to him. that day, i got an amazing gift. a nikon 3000 dslr. the only thing i kept thinking was, "does it do hd video?" it doesn't. i was discontent. could i be more selfish? i talked to the Lord about it. why was it that i got this amazing gift that i had wanted for soooo long...and still wished for more? can i be content? i was fine the day before when i didn't have a dslr. it is a pretty amazing camera. i was thinking out of convenience sake that having everything in one camera versus having a dslr, a video camera and a point and shoot...what if they were just all in one...my rationale was rather rational. however, still...this train of thinking still left me wanting more...
how can be content in this world when everything changes and the next and best thing will always be out there...
lord, i need you.
Pacing
This past week, and 24hrs have been pretty hard. I think it's not hard for me to admit it's hard, it's the actualy writing of it and submitting to the fact that it was indeed hard. giving myself permission to call it hard and not to try to sugar coat it and make it something it isn't. The beautiful thing about this past week was that I celebrated 35 years of life. about 20 of those I have known my husband and about 14 years of that i have loved him. He took me on a suprise date and we ate and danced and I felt so pursued. Ryan, if you are reading this, thank you-even when it's hard sometimes to love me, you do.
What was hard was Monday night and balancing our checkbook. Ryan is not working two jobs anymore and I don't get paid from my adjunt job till tomorrow which leaves us with all the bills paid, but very little left over. I just sat there, looking at the budget on my laptop thinking about what we were going to do. We have grocery money...we have gas money...the bills are paid...for that i am thankful and truly see that the lord is providing for us...we don't have creditors calling our home 24/7...but it was hard to sit down with ryan and to tell him the reality of really where we were at for the next couple weeks. Normally, i'd just bottle it all up, give him his allowance because if he had his allowance, he'd not ask about how we were doing with our budget. but, instead of absorbing all of the anxiety, i told him where we were at. we both sat there on the couch. quiet. he said, "well...okay." he talked a bit more about being thankful that we had what we needed and that we live on campus where we have meals in the cafe that are free in case we need to eat there, and we have family nearby that we use their laundry...but i just sat there as he left feeling so low. pacing in my mind through all of the failures...'we wouldn't be here if it wasnt for you...we would be in such a different place if after 8 years of living here...10 years of living with NO RENT we would be somewhere sooo different. what the f*&^ have you been doing all these years! you are worse off now than you were back then...' so on and so on...
i just was numb. i couldn't speak. even today as i type and consider that good friends really want to have dinner with us on saturday night to celebrate birthdays, and that i'm gone most of the weekend with a dear friend up at camp to help her out and retreat a bit...what are you up to, lord??? we can't afford to go out to dinner! i can't even buy coffee up at camp!!! sigh...
...and also...we have a meeting tonight with a missions organization that we LOVE and sooo believe in what they are doing to see if we would be a good fit with them... but are we waisting his time and money tonight? who are we to be missionaries when we have this debt that needs to be paid?
so, as always, i retreat to the shower. standing under the warmth of the water is soooo theraputic for me.
and i heard, "your debt doesn't define you, i define who you are."
i said back, "well...being a missionary could possibly one of the most amazing and yet scary things in life for me-to depend on someone else to provide for our family..."
then i stopped...in all my efforts to provide for myself, to fix our finances, to hide this all from ryan in an effort to fix it...where the hell did this get me? um...deeper in debt, deeper into lies, deeper into seeing that i am not in control of my life and if i try, i fail. the lord has provided for us. not me. not us. so how do we learn to use what we have and be good stewards of it? what is at the root of our spending habits? what are we trying to fill in an effort to avoid the cross or avoid our issues or avoid anything for that matter?
so, what are we to say to sam when we with him this evening???... i am still left pacing in my mind considering what the lord has for us...i wish selfishly that some check would just appear and make this all go away. but, that happened once for us and now we are back where we were, if not worse. if we cashed in all our assests, everything and paid off everything...would we still go and spend money without consideration? this is the question. it didn't solve anything before. will it now? no. we are learning moment by moment what it is to consider every purchase. is this the best price? is this the healthiest solution? do we have something around the house that can work just as good as if we went to purchase it new? this is a whole new language for me. a WHOLE new language.
i am learning to pause...i am learning to stop pacing in my mind and not allow myself to sucum to the voices in my head. i told ryan where we were at. that is a victory. he responded and we talked through it. he didn't storm off. he never has. i don't know where i got it in my head that he would ever do that...oh yeah-um...people in my life have done that and i just assumed he would too. i never gave him the benefit of the doubt.
yesterday was my daugther's good friend's birthday. it was butterfly themed. i would have gone out and bought her $20 worth of stuff...but i made her a hair clip that emily chose the fabric for...emily wanted to wear butterflies,so i sewed on butterflies onto her shirt with the left over fabric from her friend's clip...and i dug around and found watercolors and a journal of blank pages for her friend to paint in. Lord-you are so good! i didn't have to pay a dime for her gift! i even re-used wrapping!!
out of all of this processing (thanks for bearing with my processing!) is this:
each day is a new day. he makes all things new each day. that is including me. i bear his image. i don't bear a huge red "D" on my shirt telling the world i'm a debtor. however, aren't we all? aren't we all in debt to the one who saved our life from the dominion of darkness? i could never repay what he has done for me. how can i think that i can repay what i've gotten myself into here on earth without him? lord, help me to continue to see that you forgive our transgressions and deliver us from evil and that this is not my kingdom to control, but your kingdom. may your kingdom come and your will be done, not mine.
What was hard was Monday night and balancing our checkbook. Ryan is not working two jobs anymore and I don't get paid from my adjunt job till tomorrow which leaves us with all the bills paid, but very little left over. I just sat there, looking at the budget on my laptop thinking about what we were going to do. We have grocery money...we have gas money...the bills are paid...for that i am thankful and truly see that the lord is providing for us...we don't have creditors calling our home 24/7...but it was hard to sit down with ryan and to tell him the reality of really where we were at for the next couple weeks. Normally, i'd just bottle it all up, give him his allowance because if he had his allowance, he'd not ask about how we were doing with our budget. but, instead of absorbing all of the anxiety, i told him where we were at. we both sat there on the couch. quiet. he said, "well...okay." he talked a bit more about being thankful that we had what we needed and that we live on campus where we have meals in the cafe that are free in case we need to eat there, and we have family nearby that we use their laundry...but i just sat there as he left feeling so low. pacing in my mind through all of the failures...'we wouldn't be here if it wasnt for you...we would be in such a different place if after 8 years of living here...10 years of living with NO RENT we would be somewhere sooo different. what the f*&^ have you been doing all these years! you are worse off now than you were back then...' so on and so on...
i just was numb. i couldn't speak. even today as i type and consider that good friends really want to have dinner with us on saturday night to celebrate birthdays, and that i'm gone most of the weekend with a dear friend up at camp to help her out and retreat a bit...what are you up to, lord??? we can't afford to go out to dinner! i can't even buy coffee up at camp!!! sigh...
...and also...we have a meeting tonight with a missions organization that we LOVE and sooo believe in what they are doing to see if we would be a good fit with them... but are we waisting his time and money tonight? who are we to be missionaries when we have this debt that needs to be paid?
so, as always, i retreat to the shower. standing under the warmth of the water is soooo theraputic for me.
and i heard, "your debt doesn't define you, i define who you are."
i said back, "well...being a missionary could possibly one of the most amazing and yet scary things in life for me-to depend on someone else to provide for our family..."
then i stopped...in all my efforts to provide for myself, to fix our finances, to hide this all from ryan in an effort to fix it...where the hell did this get me? um...deeper in debt, deeper into lies, deeper into seeing that i am not in control of my life and if i try, i fail. the lord has provided for us. not me. not us. so how do we learn to use what we have and be good stewards of it? what is at the root of our spending habits? what are we trying to fill in an effort to avoid the cross or avoid our issues or avoid anything for that matter?
so, what are we to say to sam when we with him this evening???... i am still left pacing in my mind considering what the lord has for us...i wish selfishly that some check would just appear and make this all go away. but, that happened once for us and now we are back where we were, if not worse. if we cashed in all our assests, everything and paid off everything...would we still go and spend money without consideration? this is the question. it didn't solve anything before. will it now? no. we are learning moment by moment what it is to consider every purchase. is this the best price? is this the healthiest solution? do we have something around the house that can work just as good as if we went to purchase it new? this is a whole new language for me. a WHOLE new language.
i am learning to pause...i am learning to stop pacing in my mind and not allow myself to sucum to the voices in my head. i told ryan where we were at. that is a victory. he responded and we talked through it. he didn't storm off. he never has. i don't know where i got it in my head that he would ever do that...oh yeah-um...people in my life have done that and i just assumed he would too. i never gave him the benefit of the doubt.
yesterday was my daugther's good friend's birthday. it was butterfly themed. i would have gone out and bought her $20 worth of stuff...but i made her a hair clip that emily chose the fabric for...emily wanted to wear butterflies,so i sewed on butterflies onto her shirt with the left over fabric from her friend's clip...and i dug around and found watercolors and a journal of blank pages for her friend to paint in. Lord-you are so good! i didn't have to pay a dime for her gift! i even re-used wrapping!!
out of all of this processing (thanks for bearing with my processing!) is this:
each day is a new day. he makes all things new each day. that is including me. i bear his image. i don't bear a huge red "D" on my shirt telling the world i'm a debtor. however, aren't we all? aren't we all in debt to the one who saved our life from the dominion of darkness? i could never repay what he has done for me. how can i think that i can repay what i've gotten myself into here on earth without him? lord, help me to continue to see that you forgive our transgressions and deliver us from evil and that this is not my kingdom to control, but your kingdom. may your kingdom come and your will be done, not mine.
The Good
in light of facing our debt...here is the good that i have seen from it that i wanted to post in sort of thanksgiving theme fashion. i know we all have so much to be thankful for, but i just feel like this year, especially, i am so thankful.
i'm thankful for the roof over our head, the food on our table, the warmth of our home and that we have clothes, food, shelter, warm shower, warm bed and a loving community that is holding us, caring for us and just amazing
i'm thankful for our cars. they are old. but they run and are paid for in full.
i'm thankful for the fact that our budget pays for all our bills, puts some in savings, and even in the face of all that we are facing, somehow, the Lord is coordinating all our money in such a way that i'm shocked we can actually afford to buy some presents for christmas.
i'm thankful my in laws bought me a sewing machine that i can sew gifts and dresses for christmas this year
i'm thankful that this time of facing our marriage and uncovering things that were hidden is refining, purifiying and all around hard. now, that sounds weird to be thankful for this, but i don't ever want to live in fear anymore-fear of being found out-fear of hiding...i'm so thankful for ryan and his gentle gracious pursuit of my heart and his calm patient presence as i gave him my uncovered heart. you'd think after 11 years of marriage that i'd know this about my husband...but so many years of hurt and brokeness told me that trusting others was too risky. it told me that i could just keep the secrets locked away in my heart and i woudln't have to share them with anyone...but the voices of those secrets became too much to bear...and ryan received my whole life...my whole heart this year. i am so thankful for this man who loves me in all my beauty and all my mess.
i'm so thankful for grace. what would we do without our saviors grace?
i'm so thankful that i have made it since august 29th without shopping. i did buy one bag of hair stuff at savers for $3 but they are old headbands to recover for my nieces and daughter for christmas presents so they'll have matching hair stuff to go with their skirts and dresses. but..i've done it! even the fabric i have people have given to me...i need more elastic, but my process is to tell ryan what i'm doing, where i'm going and what i'm getting. this is the next phase of this journey-how to shop with the money i have and how to shop with ryan knowing about it.
i'm thankful for the roof over our head, the food on our table, the warmth of our home and that we have clothes, food, shelter, warm shower, warm bed and a loving community that is holding us, caring for us and just amazing
i'm thankful for our cars. they are old. but they run and are paid for in full.
i'm thankful for the fact that our budget pays for all our bills, puts some in savings, and even in the face of all that we are facing, somehow, the Lord is coordinating all our money in such a way that i'm shocked we can actually afford to buy some presents for christmas.
i'm thankful my in laws bought me a sewing machine that i can sew gifts and dresses for christmas this year
i'm thankful that this time of facing our marriage and uncovering things that were hidden is refining, purifiying and all around hard. now, that sounds weird to be thankful for this, but i don't ever want to live in fear anymore-fear of being found out-fear of hiding...i'm so thankful for ryan and his gentle gracious pursuit of my heart and his calm patient presence as i gave him my uncovered heart. you'd think after 11 years of marriage that i'd know this about my husband...but so many years of hurt and brokeness told me that trusting others was too risky. it told me that i could just keep the secrets locked away in my heart and i woudln't have to share them with anyone...but the voices of those secrets became too much to bear...and ryan received my whole life...my whole heart this year. i am so thankful for this man who loves me in all my beauty and all my mess.
i'm so thankful for grace. what would we do without our saviors grace?
i'm so thankful that i have made it since august 29th without shopping. i did buy one bag of hair stuff at savers for $3 but they are old headbands to recover for my nieces and daughter for christmas presents so they'll have matching hair stuff to go with their skirts and dresses. but..i've done it! even the fabric i have people have given to me...i need more elastic, but my process is to tell ryan what i'm doing, where i'm going and what i'm getting. this is the next phase of this journey-how to shop with the money i have and how to shop with ryan knowing about it.
Gifts
i have a dear friend who needs a job. somehow we were able to scrape a bit together to give her some money to help her make her rent and bills. i just feel for her. this is what we are called to do. be the body. be the church. if someone is in need of clothes, give them clothes...if they need food, give food. if they need money...get the point? in acts chapter 2 is says:
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need....
this is what we are suppose to do...i just wish i could give more...
then the lord gave back to us...
i am usually the one that is so willing to support, serve, bake, give whatever is needed to help others. it doesn't really occur to me that i should also be the recipient of someone elses gifts. that is a discipline. it's a discpline to give just as much as it is a discpline to receive...i'm learning this!
case in point...we have dear friends who committed to giving us some money each month for three months in a effort to help us save for the months that i don't get paid to teach (as an adjunct, i only get paid when i teach, not throughout the year...and i don't get benefits either...at least we do with ry's job!). so january and feb were going to be rough. so rough we thought that ry would have to get a second job. our friend's generousity, although pretty hard to receive since i know they need the month too, is amazing. i'd give them money in a heartbeat...and they did for us.
yesterday my father in law just handed me money and said he knew we needed some help. again, didn't ask. what does god see ahead of us that he knows we'll need this? off to savings it goes. in times past, we'd go out to eat with it, party it up with that extra cash...and i'm so stoked to say it's going in savings!! ah....lord, thank you for those little gifts here and there. how does that happen??!! it's the prompting of your spirit in others...seriously...lord,....i'm humbled....thank you. please bless the families who are coming along side us and helping us in this time...bless them...provide clarity for their lives as they begin to transition and bring my dear sister a job that will give her vacation pay and benefits. amen.
how have you seen the lord provide for you? it may not be as blatent as money handed to you...it could be in so many other ways...please share!
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need....
this is what we are suppose to do...i just wish i could give more...
then the lord gave back to us...
i am usually the one that is so willing to support, serve, bake, give whatever is needed to help others. it doesn't really occur to me that i should also be the recipient of someone elses gifts. that is a discipline. it's a discpline to give just as much as it is a discpline to receive...i'm learning this!
case in point...we have dear friends who committed to giving us some money each month for three months in a effort to help us save for the months that i don't get paid to teach (as an adjunct, i only get paid when i teach, not throughout the year...and i don't get benefits either...at least we do with ry's job!). so january and feb were going to be rough. so rough we thought that ry would have to get a second job. our friend's generousity, although pretty hard to receive since i know they need the month too, is amazing. i'd give them money in a heartbeat...and they did for us.
yesterday my father in law just handed me money and said he knew we needed some help. again, didn't ask. what does god see ahead of us that he knows we'll need this? off to savings it goes. in times past, we'd go out to eat with it, party it up with that extra cash...and i'm so stoked to say it's going in savings!! ah....lord, thank you for those little gifts here and there. how does that happen??!! it's the prompting of your spirit in others...seriously...lord,....i'm humbled....thank you. please bless the families who are coming along side us and helping us in this time...bless them...provide clarity for their lives as they begin to transition and bring my dear sister a job that will give her vacation pay and benefits. amen.
how have you seen the lord provide for you? it may not be as blatent as money handed to you...it could be in so many other ways...please share!
I Did It
I did it:
so...today i celebrated with friends at a bridal shower. i had to go get a gift. i had $20 to spend. how can i make a meaningful gift for my friend count with $20? THIS is a challenge for me because i LOVE to get gifts for my friends. i love thinking about them...considering their loves and creatively searching for a gift that represents them well and shows more care than just a gift card (although, sometimes, those are just as amazing!)
so, i walked into a mall folks. a mall! a pretty great one down in south orange county. (if you have ever watched the real housewives of OC, it's one of the malls near them...just an indicator of the materialism i was to experience). it was a bit of overload. i gripped my strong black coffee....i opened the door....walked around a bit...got my bearings, took a deep breath....walked into crate and barrell....and got four little glass bowls and a pair of cute undies and wrapped them in a darling harvest-y dish towel instead of using paper wrapping...and it came to $22!!! (i just gave 2 bucks of my allowance towards to cause!) ah....i did it. i stayed within budget. well...2 bucks over...but i had the two dollars left in my allowance that i didn't spend at breakfast with my friend!!!
i walked around a bit more. i saw a jcrew. jcrew is like crack to me (reference previous posts!). i walked in. and i looked at things in the perspective of "could i sew this? could i embelish this on a current tshirt?" it was sooo great!! they also had a crewcuts section (their kids clothing line) and totally was in love with their girls stuff and thought, "hey...i can maybe make this!".....amazing. i felt no shame. i felt overwhelmed, but it felt good to look at what was out there and to get inspired.
there was a shirt at forever 21 for $11 that was DaRRRRling....sigh....i walked away. even though it was only $11 and would be SOOOO cute with slacks for teaching or under my vintage-y anthro blazer that my dad in law got me....i walked away.
one small step towards acclimation....one giant leap for me!!
it was a good day. (abs, thanks for the prayers dear friend!)
oh...and i was amongst great friends too....
so...today i celebrated with friends at a bridal shower. i had to go get a gift. i had $20 to spend. how can i make a meaningful gift for my friend count with $20? THIS is a challenge for me because i LOVE to get gifts for my friends. i love thinking about them...considering their loves and creatively searching for a gift that represents them well and shows more care than just a gift card (although, sometimes, those are just as amazing!)
so, i walked into a mall folks. a mall! a pretty great one down in south orange county. (if you have ever watched the real housewives of OC, it's one of the malls near them...just an indicator of the materialism i was to experience). it was a bit of overload. i gripped my strong black coffee....i opened the door....walked around a bit...got my bearings, took a deep breath....walked into crate and barrell....and got four little glass bowls and a pair of cute undies and wrapped them in a darling harvest-y dish towel instead of using paper wrapping...and it came to $22!!! (i just gave 2 bucks of my allowance towards to cause!) ah....i did it. i stayed within budget. well...2 bucks over...but i had the two dollars left in my allowance that i didn't spend at breakfast with my friend!!!
i walked around a bit more. i saw a jcrew. jcrew is like crack to me (reference previous posts!). i walked in. and i looked at things in the perspective of "could i sew this? could i embelish this on a current tshirt?" it was sooo great!! they also had a crewcuts section (their kids clothing line) and totally was in love with their girls stuff and thought, "hey...i can maybe make this!".....amazing. i felt no shame. i felt overwhelmed, but it felt good to look at what was out there and to get inspired.
there was a shirt at forever 21 for $11 that was DaRRRRling....sigh....i walked away. even though it was only $11 and would be SOOOO cute with slacks for teaching or under my vintage-y anthro blazer that my dad in law got me....i walked away.
one small step towards acclimation....one giant leap for me!!
it was a good day. (abs, thanks for the prayers dear friend!)
oh...and i was amongst great friends too....
Test Run
Test Run:
tonight i went shopping. i know....against the 'no shopping experiment' i've committed myself to. but i didn't buy anything. here is what went on...
i went with a friend to ikea, another place that is such a temptation. i didn't go to throw myself into temptation. i went so our kids could all play together and to have an hour to just wander with my friend. by the way, did you know you could drop off your potty trained child at ikea in their safe guarded childcare area for an hour of free play?? free?? well... i dare say it is not free. their intention is briliant! keep your kids in here for an our and shop undistracted, spend money...not free. there is more temptation when they are not distracting you to purchase things. i found myself just really not caring to be there and wanting to just sit and read. maybe next time i'll just go drop them off, grab a coffee and roll and sit and read. or just do that while their in school where i can bring my own coffee from home and read w/o spending the money on gas and being their tempted to shop! ah..always trying to thinking outside the box on this life of mine!
i think what struck me the most is that i didn't linger to see what i wanted or could have. i actually needed a new lampshade. it was only $10. but do i really need it? i asked myself this. the lamp has been in a cupboard for over a year not being used. we have plently of light in our home. it might be nice to have another, but that $10 that i didn't spend actually then paid for our dinner and dessert for all three of us.
it wasn't so hard to be there...i also had a great dear dear friend with me who also knows my journey rather intimately and having her near was secure indeed and a gift.
so, i think this marks a month one of my experiment...of rehab. it's not been hard yet, but i pray against all that is around me that i will not be tempted but be delivered from evil. oh, the lord's prayer has been a close companion these days. i pray you find comfort in it as well.
also-thank you to those who have left comments. they are such an encouragement to me. please feel free to leave comments, ask questions...i know that i am not alone...and i don't want you to feel alone either.
tonight i went shopping. i know....against the 'no shopping experiment' i've committed myself to. but i didn't buy anything. here is what went on...
i went with a friend to ikea, another place that is such a temptation. i didn't go to throw myself into temptation. i went so our kids could all play together and to have an hour to just wander with my friend. by the way, did you know you could drop off your potty trained child at ikea in their safe guarded childcare area for an hour of free play?? free?? well... i dare say it is not free. their intention is briliant! keep your kids in here for an our and shop undistracted, spend money...not free. there is more temptation when they are not distracting you to purchase things. i found myself just really not caring to be there and wanting to just sit and read. maybe next time i'll just go drop them off, grab a coffee and roll and sit and read. or just do that while their in school where i can bring my own coffee from home and read w/o spending the money on gas and being their tempted to shop! ah..always trying to thinking outside the box on this life of mine!
i think what struck me the most is that i didn't linger to see what i wanted or could have. i actually needed a new lampshade. it was only $10. but do i really need it? i asked myself this. the lamp has been in a cupboard for over a year not being used. we have plently of light in our home. it might be nice to have another, but that $10 that i didn't spend actually then paid for our dinner and dessert for all three of us.
it wasn't so hard to be there...i also had a great dear dear friend with me who also knows my journey rather intimately and having her near was secure indeed and a gift.
so, i think this marks a month one of my experiment...of rehab. it's not been hard yet, but i pray against all that is around me that i will not be tempted but be delivered from evil. oh, the lord's prayer has been a close companion these days. i pray you find comfort in it as well.
also-thank you to those who have left comments. they are such an encouragement to me. please feel free to leave comments, ask questions...i know that i am not alone...and i don't want you to feel alone either.
Uncomfortable
Uncomfortable:
my birthday was this past saturday and my parents took me to breakfast (my FAVORITE!) and a movie. there was some time prior to the moving starting and we wandered around and walked into ann taylor loft. they got me a pair of pants and a skirt-totaling $10.81 (seriously amazing deal)
BUT...i was sooo uncomfortable being there. should i have let them buy me these things? should i have just sat at starbucks with the ice tea they got me (ahh..green tea ice tea sweetened...nothing like it!) and stayed put? i basically shopped!! that's illegal to this addict! it's like a porn addict going to a strip club or getting a playboy or something. what was i thinking? i felt guitly the whole time there.
but...a question a dear friend posed to me...is it shopping or staying within your means that is the issue? do i need to learn how to spend within my means? um...yes, yes i do. i want things. i want to get fabric to be creative and make clothes and pillows and things. i get an allowance...so how do i learn to stay within my means....
i still need to avoid clothing stores at the moment...but learning what i learned here was paramount. pausing myself and considering...not binging and purging...
my birthday was this past saturday and my parents took me to breakfast (my FAVORITE!) and a movie. there was some time prior to the moving starting and we wandered around and walked into ann taylor loft. they got me a pair of pants and a skirt-totaling $10.81 (seriously amazing deal)
BUT...i was sooo uncomfortable being there. should i have let them buy me these things? should i have just sat at starbucks with the ice tea they got me (ahh..green tea ice tea sweetened...nothing like it!) and stayed put? i basically shopped!! that's illegal to this addict! it's like a porn addict going to a strip club or getting a playboy or something. what was i thinking? i felt guitly the whole time there.
but...a question a dear friend posed to me...is it shopping or staying within your means that is the issue? do i need to learn how to spend within my means? um...yes, yes i do. i want things. i want to get fabric to be creative and make clothes and pillows and things. i get an allowance...so how do i learn to stay within my means....
i still need to avoid clothing stores at the moment...but learning what i learned here was paramount. pausing myself and considering...not binging and purging...
Green
Green:
as i have been navigating through my no shopping experiment, it has caused be to think in an eco fashion. i'm am already one who really attempts to consider purchases in regards to our homegoods (food, cleaning materials, paper goods etc...). and i found myself today considering another sort of fork in the road decision as i am not suppose to be shopping.
my little girl begins kindergarten here in a couple weeks. my first gut reaction to this (other than sobs!) are, "oh, we need to get her...." fill in the dots. i found myself browsing sites for backpacks, lunchbags etc....then i began to think, "well, if we are going to do this, we should consider what materials they are made from and how they are being made" so i began to internet shop for eco school supplies. then i stopped myself. isn't what i am doing, my self prescribed no shopping sort of green? isn't the whole point to stop consuming and or consider what it is you are consuming and it's effects on you and the planet? so, i looked around the house and have a backpack and a lunchbag for her. perfectly still in tact and ready to use. maybe it's not bpa free or made from a sustainable and regenerating product (bamboo, hemp...) but at least i'm not spending money and have yet another backpack on our shelf! so...then...the whole idea of ziplocks and what i should do with that came to mind...
my point is...it never stops. the thoughts of consumption don't end. how can i make what i have around the house into something that can not be a ziplock-maybe i can make one of those wraps that contain fruits, veggies and sandwiches....i wish i had some oilcloth around the house, i'd sew up something!!
in all of these little bits of daily thoughts, they draw my attention to the cross. i wonder what His thoughts are on this whole journey? Lord-i do not want to do any part of this fast without you. i have done so much of my life with you, but compartmentalized this part of my life from you. now that there is no stone unturned, please dear Lord, please show me continually, how to consider all the layers that make up the addiction to consume and shop. thank you for slowing and stoping me from shopping and helping me to look around and to consider how to repurpose what is around me. i am so blessed to possess what we already have...give me a fresh perspective to use and re-use wisely not just to care for our planet, but most importantly, to care for our family. we have so much. thank you for the blessings you have given to us...man, Lord-what a lesson in stewardship this is.
as i have been navigating through my no shopping experiment, it has caused be to think in an eco fashion. i'm am already one who really attempts to consider purchases in regards to our homegoods (food, cleaning materials, paper goods etc...). and i found myself today considering another sort of fork in the road decision as i am not suppose to be shopping.
my little girl begins kindergarten here in a couple weeks. my first gut reaction to this (other than sobs!) are, "oh, we need to get her...." fill in the dots. i found myself browsing sites for backpacks, lunchbags etc....then i began to think, "well, if we are going to do this, we should consider what materials they are made from and how they are being made" so i began to internet shop for eco school supplies. then i stopped myself. isn't what i am doing, my self prescribed no shopping sort of green? isn't the whole point to stop consuming and or consider what it is you are consuming and it's effects on you and the planet? so, i looked around the house and have a backpack and a lunchbag for her. perfectly still in tact and ready to use. maybe it's not bpa free or made from a sustainable and regenerating product (bamboo, hemp...) but at least i'm not spending money and have yet another backpack on our shelf! so...then...the whole idea of ziplocks and what i should do with that came to mind...
my point is...it never stops. the thoughts of consumption don't end. how can i make what i have around the house into something that can not be a ziplock-maybe i can make one of those wraps that contain fruits, veggies and sandwiches....i wish i had some oilcloth around the house, i'd sew up something!!
in all of these little bits of daily thoughts, they draw my attention to the cross. i wonder what His thoughts are on this whole journey? Lord-i do not want to do any part of this fast without you. i have done so much of my life with you, but compartmentalized this part of my life from you. now that there is no stone unturned, please dear Lord, please show me continually, how to consider all the layers that make up the addiction to consume and shop. thank you for slowing and stoping me from shopping and helping me to look around and to consider how to repurpose what is around me. i am so blessed to possess what we already have...give me a fresh perspective to use and re-use wisely not just to care for our planet, but most importantly, to care for our family. we have so much. thank you for the blessings you have given to us...man, Lord-what a lesson in stewardship this is.
Moved...
I've moved my 'no shopping experiment' to just being here at our adventures. I've wanted to move it for a while, but have been busy. I took the time tonight to copy all my old blogs about it, and will be in the process of moving them here. Bear with me as some older posts about no shopping that you may have read will be here and repeated. Still not shopping (except for a few very needed items) till my birthday in August. I don't even know what that will be like! Anyway...enjoy.
My Story:
So, here is a bit of the background of my story which will hopefully illuminate the reason why i am choosing to abstain from shopping for a semester (or maybe a year-going to re-evaluate this in the wintertime)
4 years into marriage and $12,000 of credit debt, I looked into going back to school. I didn't know how this was going to happen as I looked over credit statements showing us where we were at. However, there was no 'We" in this. I paid the bills, I was the one who told Ryan where we were at with the money-and I didn't tell him where we were at financially. As long as everything was paid and he had money in his pocket, he didn't ask or need to wonder where we were at. He began the wonder how we were able to afford some of the things we were doing, but never brought it up. This was ths Spirit beginning to prompt him to ask..,
One evening I went to my in-laws house to talk to them about school and if they would be willing to help out with the costs of it. It was at that time they shared with me of an inheritance they were going to be giving us from Ed's mother who has recently passed. This amount would mostly pay for school and pay off our debt. I cried. I cried for three reasons. One, that the Lord knew-he knew the exact number we needed and he saved us in ways we would never have been able to save ourselves. Two-humbled to my core that he would save us in the midst of my utter sin. And three-i had to tell ryan financially where we were at.
Well...a slap on the hand, two degrees, two children and 5 years later, we find ourselves in the same predicament again. How did this happen again!!? We were in the clear! I know why...I hid. I hid from the man I commited my life to an addiction I had that I kept saying I had under control. Shopping. There is a caviat-i'm not the only one-my husband loves to buy things and go out to eat etc..etc...but i never said no, we can't afford this or that. Consumption really is the word of my addiction. But, am I alone? I have to admit, it feels pretty lonely here...I know I am not though...
This is why I am choosing to blog about it. Well...several reasons. I type faster than I write, but of paramount cause-because I don't want to hide anymore. If I continue to choose the path that I have chosen to live, loss will be my future. Satan will do anything to continue his directive in me to hide-and I can't let that happen anymore. Where there is light, there is no darkness. I want to be known. I have NO clue who will find this blog and read it, but my prayer is that it reasonates with some in a some small degree, and that as I process and journey my way through my self-prescribed rehab, that we can all minister to one another.
Who doesn't have an addiction of some sort? What does it look like to walk each day thinking outside the box of consumption and to see how truly each one of my needs has been met and I need for not that much.
thank you for indulging me as I wonder into this world of light and Love. welcome to my blog. welcome to my journey.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Merry Christmas!!
Alicia's apron i sewed her
The christmas dresses I made all the girl cousins
Here is a link to the pattern/blog that i got this dress from
Here is a link to the pattern/blog that i got this dress from
All the skirts I made for the girls for christmas
Twirling
Hey all!! Well...I am sitting here, post easy bake oven testing (two cookies...took about an hour to cook after going around town searching for the correct light bulb...at least she had fun!) watching the USC/Boston game at my in laws sitting wishing I hadn't eaten so much...Thought it'd be a great time to update y'all
Christmas was awesome this year! It always is...but man...it was really an amazing few days. I have not been shopping really since August and it was such a overload of stuff! I wasn't so sure about going out by myself as gift giving is a HUGE love of mine, so Ry and I went together. That was so much fun! We also only went over budget by about $50...when usually it's more like $500! so...i'm sooo proud of us!!
We also tried to institute some new traditions of our own. We really wanted to figure out a way to bring home the idea/reality of Christ's birth and that we are celebrating his birth, not just opening presents. So, we took about 10% of what we allocated for christmas shopping money and went on www.worldvision.com and the kids got to choose two gifts to give to Jesus. Emily chose two baby chickens to give to a family and William chose two soccer balls to give away.
We spent Christmas Eve with The Lows and Christmas day with my family ending the day at the Lows. Here are some photos of our 24 hrs. I hope and pray you had such a wonderful time with family and friends. Love to you and yours!
The Lows
Sunday, November 29, 2009
no shopping update...
so...my no shopping experiment slash rehab update:
i was going to move the blog over to here...but decided not too...so if you want updates, go to:
http://www.conversantlife.com/alyssalow
or click on the shopping cart icon somewhere on my sidebar on this blog to see updates. i just posted a few, trying to catch up a bit...
hope you are all rested well from this thanksgiving week/weekend. it was a very fun and very full weekend!!
i was going to move the blog over to here...but decided not too...so if you want updates, go to:
http://www.conversantlife.com/alyssalow
or click on the shopping cart icon somewhere on my sidebar on this blog to see updates. i just posted a few, trying to catch up a bit...
hope you are all rested well from this thanksgiving week/weekend. it was a very fun and very full weekend!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
praise
so..a bit ago i posted a blog titled,'hard'. well...part of that post i think talked about our transmission in our accord. well...a praise to report (sort of a few weeks late...but....) it wasn't our transmission. our awesome mechanic drove our car around and ran the computer test on it and it wasn't the transmission. although it is still not quite right, he didn't want to put in a $2,000 transmission yet until he ruled out all other possibilities. so, we are driving it around still, but with a new radiator (which was cracked) and oil change it only cost $600!! yeah...thank you lord it wasn't $2000!! so...he will see the car again in 3k miles to check it out and see what it is. yeah!!
also, another praise...we have totally been doing so well adhering to our budget! so much so we actually have money for christmas presents!! i'm so stoked!!!
thank you, lord!! much to be thankful for...what are you thankful for?
also, another praise...we have totally been doing so well adhering to our budget! so much so we actually have money for christmas presents!! i'm so stoked!!!
thank you, lord!! much to be thankful for...what are you thankful for?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Hard
It has been a hard few days. Life has been fine. But hard in the fact of my whole no shopping, no spending that is not for food or cleaning. It isn't that I really want a bunch of things, but my mind just really goes into a spin of when I do want something, what can I do to get it? Confessing it and getting it out in the open also diminishes a lot of the pull that the desire has. Here is where my thoughts went...
I think it began because we had to take our car into the shop and found out about all these repairs that are in need...new transmission, leak in the coolant/radiator...among other things. I just wanted to sell both cars and get a new one. That wont solve any problems. We would still need to fix both cars to sell and can't take on a car payment...Lord, help me to be content with the cars we have. They are both paid for (although not after the repairs, but still...), they both fit our family...they may not be the most shiny and new cars out there (which again, is hard-that sin of comparison looking at others and what they have and desiring to have that too), but they work and they are a gift. Please provide a way for our car to be fixed and running well.
It's hard to admit when things are hard. I see a lot of blogs out there that are all shiny and pretty and don't really talk about what is hard in life. I'm sure there are blogs out there that do...but it's been hard for me to be honest about where I am at in the past and I so want to break that habit in me...so here I post...it's been hard.
It'd also be nice to have a date with Ryan when we go have fun and don't talk about what is going on and just go have fun!!...no serious talks...no working things out (although, our talks even when they are hard are still amazing...Lord thank you for the husband you gave me who doesn't explode when I open up...who listens and responds calmly...) just some good fun. mini golfing or having my dad sign us into disneyland or something...we need cheap or free fun, any suggestions?
Thank you for listening to the process...I have wanted to bring the other blog of entries about my no shopping process over here but haven't had the chance. If you want to check it out, it's at www.conversantlife.com/alyssalow. I think i'll blog here about it. There was a sense that since it was over there at another site that it was not apart of our life in general, when that is so not the case. I have comparmentalized my life for so long, even here in blogging I sort of hid it over there really not knowing of others were reading it or not. I want to show the shiny happy things that happen in our life-they are a blessing! But i also want to not hide the real stuff that we walk through too...It's life. Life isn't always easy, it can be so hard at times. But the hard times cause me to lean more into Christ and the community He has given me...and this medium of processing and journaling is another place where it is helpful as well.
Blessings on the rest of your week. feel free to comment
aly
I think it began because we had to take our car into the shop and found out about all these repairs that are in need...new transmission, leak in the coolant/radiator...among other things. I just wanted to sell both cars and get a new one. That wont solve any problems. We would still need to fix both cars to sell and can't take on a car payment...Lord, help me to be content with the cars we have. They are both paid for (although not after the repairs, but still...), they both fit our family...they may not be the most shiny and new cars out there (which again, is hard-that sin of comparison looking at others and what they have and desiring to have that too), but they work and they are a gift. Please provide a way for our car to be fixed and running well.
It's hard to admit when things are hard. I see a lot of blogs out there that are all shiny and pretty and don't really talk about what is hard in life. I'm sure there are blogs out there that do...but it's been hard for me to be honest about where I am at in the past and I so want to break that habit in me...so here I post...it's been hard.
It'd also be nice to have a date with Ryan when we go have fun and don't talk about what is going on and just go have fun!!...no serious talks...no working things out (although, our talks even when they are hard are still amazing...Lord thank you for the husband you gave me who doesn't explode when I open up...who listens and responds calmly...) just some good fun. mini golfing or having my dad sign us into disneyland or something...we need cheap or free fun, any suggestions?
Thank you for listening to the process...I have wanted to bring the other blog of entries about my no shopping process over here but haven't had the chance. If you want to check it out, it's at www.conversantlife.com/alyssalow. I think i'll blog here about it. There was a sense that since it was over there at another site that it was not apart of our life in general, when that is so not the case. I have comparmentalized my life for so long, even here in blogging I sort of hid it over there really not knowing of others were reading it or not. I want to show the shiny happy things that happen in our life-they are a blessing! But i also want to not hide the real stuff that we walk through too...It's life. Life isn't always easy, it can be so hard at times. But the hard times cause me to lean more into Christ and the community He has given me...and this medium of processing and journaling is another place where it is helpful as well.
Blessings on the rest of your week. feel free to comment
aly
Friday, October 30, 2009
outside the box
so...i don't know if any folks are checking out my other blog (which i think this weekend i'll just move to this one...in an effort to simplify my life) about not shopping...but i'm constantly amazed that most of the time, i've not really missed shopping (for clothes, shoes, jewelry, frames, etc..). i just wish i had a few more white t-shirts...because this blog (http://mymamamadeit.blogspot.com/) is A.MAZ.ING! she and i would be soul mates. at least in regards to all things JCrew and Anthropologie. She looks at the catalogues and takes their ideas and re-creates them in clothes that she already has. She's my hero right now in my no shopping experiment life. it's giving me new ideas and new life for old things. hopefully this weekend i'll have some time to work on some fun ideas i got off her blog and that the clothing exchange night i have planned with friends (where we all bring clothes that we don't wear any longer but that are in good condition, we exchange) will provide some more fun items for me to take and re-create!
i've become such an outside of the box thinker in regards to all things in our life...food and food prep...clothing for our family...cleaning supplies...all in an effort to stick within our budget...and praise the Lord-we are doing okay.
if only our transmission and coolant in our accord would hop on board and not be broken : ( i wish i could think outside of the box on that one!
how are you thinking outside the box? they say the recession is over...but how can we continue to be good stewards of what we have in plenty and in want? i know that this season in our life and taught me more than i thought...but i don't think i'd ever change where we are at right now. i wish the debt was gone, but i also know that the Lord has used this to re-orient our minds and marriage to think about each purchase, down to the soap we use. do we need this? do we already have this at home? can we share, give, exchange or borrow to fulfill a need we have?
as always, thanks for listening to my processing...please comment and let me know how you are thinking outside the box...and i'll show you the jewelry and shirts i re-create hopefully sometime next week...i'm going to take advantage of my evenings and instead of watching lame TV shows (except the office and 30 rock!) i'm going to sew and make things...i'll let you know how it goes!
i've become such an outside of the box thinker in regards to all things in our life...food and food prep...clothing for our family...cleaning supplies...all in an effort to stick within our budget...and praise the Lord-we are doing okay.
if only our transmission and coolant in our accord would hop on board and not be broken : ( i wish i could think outside of the box on that one!
how are you thinking outside the box? they say the recession is over...but how can we continue to be good stewards of what we have in plenty and in want? i know that this season in our life and taught me more than i thought...but i don't think i'd ever change where we are at right now. i wish the debt was gone, but i also know that the Lord has used this to re-orient our minds and marriage to think about each purchase, down to the soap we use. do we need this? do we already have this at home? can we share, give, exchange or borrow to fulfill a need we have?
as always, thanks for listening to my processing...please comment and let me know how you are thinking outside the box...and i'll show you the jewelry and shirts i re-create hopefully sometime next week...i'm going to take advantage of my evenings and instead of watching lame TV shows (except the office and 30 rock!) i'm going to sew and make things...i'll let you know how it goes!
Monday, August 17, 2009
separate?
so...the last post was about my leading to not shop for a semester or maybe a year. i thought about starting another (yes, that is right, another) blog about this process since this blog is primarily for our family (and dear friend) who may or may not be connected to facebook to catch up on us, our family photos, family anticdotes (sp?) and the ever evolving 'fit back into my pants' (hee ehee hee)
so...i started another blog. if you want to follow it...i'm going to journal about my process about not shopping, what i'm struggling with, my triumphs, my frustrations...anything and everything about this whole experiment. something that has been part of this whole journey for me is hiding. i've hidden my struggles from friends and family and this blog is really bringing another layer of accountability...it's hard hard hard to admit this...and hard to give out the blog because it's another layer of lifing the hiding...i'm asking for comments, respones...and mostly prayer.
http://www.conversantlife.com/alyssalow
also...if you have friends or yourself...that you are struggling with shopping or hiding....please feel free to direct them to my blog.
we'll continue to use this blog for family updates and stuff...but direct yourself to the above blog for my journalling/blogging about this experiment.
so...i started another blog. if you want to follow it...i'm going to journal about my process about not shopping, what i'm struggling with, my triumphs, my frustrations...anything and everything about this whole experiment. something that has been part of this whole journey for me is hiding. i've hidden my struggles from friends and family and this blog is really bringing another layer of accountability...it's hard hard hard to admit this...and hard to give out the blog because it's another layer of lifing the hiding...i'm asking for comments, respones...and mostly prayer.
http://www.conversantlife.com/alyssalow
also...if you have friends or yourself...that you are struggling with shopping or hiding....please feel free to direct them to my blog.
we'll continue to use this blog for family updates and stuff...but direct yourself to the above blog for my journalling/blogging about this experiment.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
am i crazy?
okay...i think i'm crazy...but i might actually be able to pull it off...here is my though process...
so, ryan is no longer working at our church in an effort to slow down and have time (& not work two jobs) to search for what is next for us. i'm sooo thankful that the Lord has really freed up his schedule (and mine!) to pray, rest, read and consider what is next.
with his job income now not coming in, our budget is as tight as ever. i have been soooo inspired by all of these blogs that i've been finding that show how to tutorials on repurposing outfits, shirts, sweaters, etc...into new clothing. if you don't know this already, i LOVE to shop. i've also been really challenged lately with this questions, "do i really need more? am i filling shopping with a need that needs to be filled with the Lord of Love?" i would even go so far to say that i have an addiction (which is hard for me to admit and be that open...but there is grace when we open our hearts to truth and stop hiding). so...what would it look like for me to stop shopping?
WHAT?!
yes, you read me right...this idea came to me a day or two ago. i'm seeing how pervasive my desire to shop has become as i see my children looking for things and saying when they see a commercial, "oh mom, i WISH i could have THAT." oh brother!!! i'm challenged with the fact that christmas is going to come up and even though we won't be able to purchase a lot of presents, what is it really about????!!! it's not about emily or william having equal amount of presents under the tree. it's about learning how to give to one another as God gave his Son to us as the ultimate gift. how can we give Jesus a christmas/birthday present and begin to instill in em and will a totally counter cultural mindset? this idea has also been confirmed to me by Ryan who was reading this book (unleashing courageous faith or tangible kingdom, can't recall!) and it challenged him on his idea of christmas and consumerism.
i think because i do struggle with wanting to shop and desiring things...what would it look like, when i feel that urge, to pause and discipline myself towards the Lord and dialoging with him about my interior struggle? what would it look like to use my awesome graduation present and scratch my never ending creative itch and take on some of these tutorials on sewing? i have stacks of clothes i never wear anymore and that is all free fabric!! i could tear it apart and have at it!! what would it look like to em and will for us to slow down, consider purchases (because we have no other choice at this stage in our life) together as a family, and also consider christmas and how we can contribute to world vision and buy a cow or school supplies for another in the name of Jesus's birth?
so...along with chronicling our adventurous life...i'll also chronicle my adventures of attempting to not clothing or shoe or purse shop. i have to buy groceries, i have to buy household items... but ... we don't need furniture (in fact, we are selling a TON if you are in need of furniture, i'm clearning out our storage unit. if we are not using now, we don't need it! lemme know if you are looking for anything specific, i'll see if i have it!), i certainly do not need clothing...sigh...i think with the Lord's help, i can do it! let's take it a semsester at a time and see how we do.
do clothing repurposing swap nights count as shopping??! hopefully not!
phew...sigh...let's go!
so, ryan is no longer working at our church in an effort to slow down and have time (& not work two jobs) to search for what is next for us. i'm sooo thankful that the Lord has really freed up his schedule (and mine!) to pray, rest, read and consider what is next.
with his job income now not coming in, our budget is as tight as ever. i have been soooo inspired by all of these blogs that i've been finding that show how to tutorials on repurposing outfits, shirts, sweaters, etc...into new clothing. if you don't know this already, i LOVE to shop. i've also been really challenged lately with this questions, "do i really need more? am i filling shopping with a need that needs to be filled with the Lord of Love?" i would even go so far to say that i have an addiction (which is hard for me to admit and be that open...but there is grace when we open our hearts to truth and stop hiding). so...what would it look like for me to stop shopping?
WHAT?!
yes, you read me right...this idea came to me a day or two ago. i'm seeing how pervasive my desire to shop has become as i see my children looking for things and saying when they see a commercial, "oh mom, i WISH i could have THAT." oh brother!!! i'm challenged with the fact that christmas is going to come up and even though we won't be able to purchase a lot of presents, what is it really about????!!! it's not about emily or william having equal amount of presents under the tree. it's about learning how to give to one another as God gave his Son to us as the ultimate gift. how can we give Jesus a christmas/birthday present and begin to instill in em and will a totally counter cultural mindset? this idea has also been confirmed to me by Ryan who was reading this book (unleashing courageous faith or tangible kingdom, can't recall!) and it challenged him on his idea of christmas and consumerism.
i think because i do struggle with wanting to shop and desiring things...what would it look like, when i feel that urge, to pause and discipline myself towards the Lord and dialoging with him about my interior struggle? what would it look like to use my awesome graduation present and scratch my never ending creative itch and take on some of these tutorials on sewing? i have stacks of clothes i never wear anymore and that is all free fabric!! i could tear it apart and have at it!! what would it look like to em and will for us to slow down, consider purchases (because we have no other choice at this stage in our life) together as a family, and also consider christmas and how we can contribute to world vision and buy a cow or school supplies for another in the name of Jesus's birth?
so...along with chronicling our adventurous life...i'll also chronicle my adventures of attempting to not clothing or shoe or purse shop. i have to buy groceries, i have to buy household items... but ... we don't need furniture (in fact, we are selling a TON if you are in need of furniture, i'm clearning out our storage unit. if we are not using now, we don't need it! lemme know if you are looking for anything specific, i'll see if i have it!), i certainly do not need clothing...sigh...i think with the Lord's help, i can do it! let's take it a semsester at a time and see how we do.
do clothing repurposing swap nights count as shopping??! hopefully not!
phew...sigh...let's go!
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