quiet

Quiet:

I've been pretty quiet from here for a while. You know when you have not talked to a friend in quite a while and then you begin to realize that the more distance between conversations, you'll need further explanation into why the distance became wider and wider. That is how I feel about dialouging about this. It is not as thought I want to avoid talking about what is going on inside in this process of not shopping, but I have to be honest, it does get a bit tiring. Have you ever wanted something to just be done? It's not that I am desperate to shop, that i want my rehab to be done...in fact...this week for the first time I bought a cardigan. I wanted to go into a store (KMart...I know...not glamous, but not a tempting place for me. I thought I'd check out a cardigan while I picked up medicine for our daughter) and see about a cardigan. I had my allowance...I found the exact color cardigan i'd been looking for (blue) and it is a cute boyfriend kind of cardi...got it ($12!) and came home. the interesting thing is, i felt the need to hide my purchase. I didn't want to tell Ryan because am I suppose to shop yet? The rehab isn't over till 8/29/10...
So...it was a weird conversation to have with Ryan about my cardigan. He was fine with it...I think i wasn't. like I was committing adultry to my rehab committment. Part of it is re-emursing myself it shopping in a healthy way...how do you do that? is there really a right way?
another reason of being quiet...there has been a lot of other things going on by way of vocational distractions that have kept me occupied rather than thinking about shopping...and i've found myself not really thinking about shopping or filling the void, space or bordem or avoidance of things with shopping. you may ask, "what then are you filing it with?" well...I just honestly have't had the time to think about shopping. I even have some gift cards that I could spend (was given permission to spend them, but may hold onto them till my birthday) and just haven't wanted to. i have filled the void with busyness. I have a load of clients / directees this semester, teaching two classes (or rather facilitating groups within those classes) and trying to figure out my husband's potential job (he's been interviewing at several places). but i think mostly the quiet has been wondering if i really had anything to share, to say...there are some familiar voices that have been visiting in my mind (you wouldn't need x amount of dollars from any job he's hunting for if you didn't have this debt...) blah blah blah...i just keep telling those voices, 'blah blah blah' so what else do you have to say?!?! don't you just get tired of those voices? relentless, just beginning to become quiet as well...
so many challenges still...but still plugging away at the rehab...


It has been a while since I have visited this blog. I think so much was going on that I just couldn't write it. It felt too overwhelming...Even now it feels overwhelming, but cathartic as well. I have wanted to write, but just didn't have it in me.
The road of dying to your self and watching Christ redeem is a hard road. Transformation is hard. Hard is not even a strong enough word. There are days of victory, and days of utter defeat.
I haven't shopped since my birthday...haven't even wanted to even venture into a store actually. I've even sort of stopped reading all the blogs I was reading on how to repurspose clothing because it was bringing up that feeling of I have to make this, I have to do this, I have to show that I am creative, productive and NOT what I am feeling right now. So, I stopped.
The defeat I have been feeling is just knowing and sitting in my sin and there is nothing i can do about it...yet here is the victory and one who can do something about it...he can redeem. he is and has
here is where we've been with the Lord the last two days....
Me:
2 Cor 3:12-18
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We
are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the
Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But
their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when
the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in
Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a]
the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with
ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Hello....17-18....especially 18....And we, who with unveild faces all reflect the Lord's glory....stop here...
I reflect His glory? BECAUSE OF CHRIST!! The veil has been lifted. Whenever I turn to the Lord, the veil is taken away. He paid the price for my sin. I can't fix myself, I can't fix our finances (I can be from this point on someone who submits, surrenders and obeys his call of stewardship...I can turn from my ways and into his redpemtive power that illuminates the path towards wisdom, grace and truth)...but he is transforming me/us. He is showing us radically not how we spend, but the why...and through this surrender of control-that every purchase doesn't only cost money, but there is another cost to it as well, isn't there? That cost is the deeper journey....Do I need this? Does this fill me or does Christ? I can have nice things, but is it within our budget...can I spend money within the budget instead of seeing that we have a little extra, so we can go out, or just live paycheck to paycheck...that is not freedom! That doesn't free me up to be able to do ministry. Debt looms....but it is SOOO teaching me so much more than just to irradicate it. Christ wants all of me....every nook and crannie....every part of my inner most being to be transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory....this transformation can only happen IN CHRIST. not in anthropologie or jcrew...i can put on a new self for you all to see...but will you see Christ in me? Isn't that our ultimate goal? Even if i put on a new purse or shoe or pant....did I do it within my means? there is a fear there that I won't be able to. What if the debt was gone...what if there was a freedom, would i run to target or run to christ? if i run to target would i spend what i am given and stay within my means, or goarge myself and binge on purchases?
and this is where Ryan was too...he could get another job...I could try to get more clients...teach more classes...but is this being responsible or is this trusting? Ryan had a second job, and through the 5 years of that second job we racked up all this debt, even when we had all that extra money, we just spent and spent and spent. God took the job and gave it to another. I have NO regrets or resentment towards that at all. We were not suppose to be in that job any longer. So...are we to get a second job? If he provided another to replace us in that job...are we to not get another one? are we suppose to surrender and trust for him to provide? ry has a job interview next week...LORD-please reveal to us in this next week wisdom as to what to do....there has been so much excavation and meetings and ideas and processing...dark hours and dreams and tears and embraces....what are we to do? which road to take, Lord? Only you can save us. You have....
I'm listening to Pandora right now (brooke fraiser radio...ah...i LOVE her! i can sing i her range!) and this song came up...I can't sing this song in church without tears....
1,000 times i have failed, still your mercy remains
should I stumble again, i'm caught in your grace
everlasting your light will shine when all else fails, never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
your will above all else still my purpose remains
the art of loosing myself, in bringing you praise
my heart and my soul, i give you control, consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and grace become my embrace
to love you from the inside out....
amen....may you be continuing the transformation even thought it's hard, painful, amazing, wonderful. may you continue to reveal your ever increasing glory in us....amen....