Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster:

what a rollercoaster life can be, and how suseptable i am to the road it takes me on.
late monday i received an email that one of the classes i teach was cancelled due to low enrollement. i was devestated. i wept. not for the loss of the class, but for the loss of security it provided. how were we going to make it? then, the all too familiar voices began to revisit my mind in such a flurry i could barely recall what was truth.
you are to blame for this
if it wasn't for you, your budget would allow for this kind of adjustment, now you are screwed and you screwed your family again in the process
then...all of the things that we need to have worked on came flooding to my mind
ry threw is back out, if you were not in the situation, he could go get his back worked on
you need a new transmission
the battery in your car just died, now you need a new battery...
relentless...like the dips and turns of a rollercoaster you can't get off of...as your face cuts through the wind while you barrel down the dips and turns, it is inescapable...
however, the Lord reminded me how inescapable He is and how His plans are just around the corner. almost like the brakes of the roller coaster began to work and slowly did their job to end the ride...
instead of turning towards my addiction which would be me going to target and walking around, or surfing online for a deal (target, anthropologie and jcrew are basically crack to me-they are my bermuda triangle!), I did two things. One-I talked to Ryan. this would seem like the first response, right? NO! in the length of our marriage, if ever there was a crisis in our finances, i would just go inward, listen to the voices above, then try to fix it on my own. which, never works. i would bear the responsibility of what was going on becuase i felt so much shame and guilt over hiding where we really were at. i was so fearful that he'd leave if i told him the real truth. well...i now know that he won't leave. (more on that whole story another day). it felt so good to talk to ryan about it. next, i took a long hot shower and prayed as i washed away what i felt like. i wept in the shower, yelled (the kids were napping thankfully! swim lessons have been making them really tired!) out all of my interior thoughts just trying to navigate my way through them to find truth again. i felt like the shower was pelting me at first, just a metaphor of all the lies i felt like were raining on my body...then it turned...i began to feel as though the shower was indeed doing it's job-it was washing them away...i looked on the floor of the tub and watched the water move it's way towards the drain and disappear...i felt a release, like the water was the puddle of thoughts, emotions, explitives and lies i was wearing. maybe it was from the yelling which is quite cathartic coupled with the metaphor the Lord was showing me as i stood naked before Him yelling. I then only had just a slight whispher left in me, "Lord-I need you. I can't fix this. I need you." I went to dry off and just fell into bed and took a really great long nap. after the nap, i got an email asking me to teach another class. i was in awe. really, Lord? you heard me?
in that moment, and the moments following to finish this week's rollercoaster, i just sat back and watched the Lord provide for us in ways I can describe, but just cannot do them justice. Every night this week our dinners were provided for, which saved us money in our grocery budget. all the lunches we had were either made for us or we had them in our fridge...same with breakfast...with a little extra thought, i made a little extra coffee in my french press so i could take some on road with me instead of getting starbucks and my parents slipped me $80 to get a new battery and a car wash.
It brings the words of the Psalmist, David to mind to vividly, I wonder if he felt this way as he penned these words from his 139th Psalm,
...Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Truly Lord, the thought of you and your care and intimate knowledge of me is too wonderful. Not in the sense of wonderful we think (oh how wonderful!) no, Lord-like WONDER...i'm in awe...it is too much for me to wonder upon. Even when I doubt and basically throw a temper tantrum in the shower, you are there and you take it. Even when I sit and gaze upon your creation, you are there. Thank you Lord that you hold me in fast...I am in awe...
what will happen this week, Lord??? let's strap back in that rollercoaster-i'm up for it