what a week....

what a week! i'll post some photos soon (once i find my computer/photo cord!) ...but here is a recap:

final push to move
thursday morning had an interview at ISF for a job
aunt leeann came to town and picked her up at the airport on thursday, spent the night with her at the westin, did dessert and breakfast...super fun (HAPPY 60th!!!)
hid our dear aunt from her brother, my dear father in law for 24hrs
did some final moving prep for the big move on saturday
celebrated my father in law's retirement from 35yrs of teaching on friday night, finally got to let leeann out of the bag and she was a secret no longer
friday night-last night spent in hart hall...very emotional
woke up, got starbucks and coffee and moved 9 years of life to a new chapter that is yet to be written...literal. (i'll say more to that later)
moved (THANK YOU daus, stumps, hoopers, charity, julie, nate, alex, ryan, hubby, jake, daniel, mom and the many others who helped days/weeks prior...it really does take a village)
unpacked all weekend
monday found out i didn't get the job

so....now, we sit, in a new condo that thankfully we don't own and the rent is covered for a year. we have ry's paycheck till the end of july. we have a camp he is preaching at the first week in august...but other than that-the future is as clear as a blizzard.

to say that the last 48 hrs have been difficult is an understatement. in all honesty, i didn't think i was going to get the job for a few significant reason. one not being that i'm not qualified. i had all the qualifications-i had done everything on that job description. it just wasn't the best move for our family, and the Lord had to make that decision for us because frankly, in my human estimation, it was the best for our family. it would provide a stable income, insurance and it would be a job that i could do and i think love. i'm still employed as a spiritual director and adjunct professor. but i won't get paid till the end of september for the new semester of teaching (thankfully, they gave us a little raise). if i worked full time (it was more than a 40hr a week job, although they say it's only 40hrs), ry wouldn't have time to interview with churches b/c he'd have to be mr. mom. so, again, i understand....in my head...my heart however has yet to catch up with that. you can tell me logistically that we will be taken care of-i know that. but my heart is freaking out and despairing of what will happen to us. i know we will be carried, and that the lord has us in his hand. we have a roof over our head, food on the table...but i longed for some sort of stability... i know that the lord is stable...but this currently feels unstable. and i'm tired. this has been a hell of a semester...from interviewing in december with santa maria, to going up there, to not taking that job, to sunland, to not taking that job, to long beach, to not hearing back from them, to hearing about this job at talbot in february, then again in april, then waiting till the end of may for an interview, only to find out i didn't get it. why then did they even ask me to apply and interview for this position if they knew that they wouldn't hire me?! if you can tell, i'm grieving...on so many levels. grieving the loss of biola...grieving the loss of hart...grieving the loss of what i thought was an open door for talbot, perhaps another one will open, but at this point, we will search all over for a new job and it may take us out of the state...so i'm now grieving that because i didn't want to leave...

lord-what do you want from us in this time? i wanted us to rest after 9 years of living, loving, serving and ministering to college students...but how can i/we rest in this time with the future is so unwritten (in my sight, i know not yours)? sigh.....what are we going to do? lord-help. that is all i can muster in this time. show yourself.

sorry. this isn't the most uplifting of posts. but i'd be lying if i didn't share this. i needed to get it out. grief is messy, hard, sad, despairing, angry, weepy...

i think our experience over the past week/months has brought to mind birth. you are growing and maturing something so tender and beautiful for 9 months (our last 9 months at biola) and then birth occurs. it's rough. sometimes the labor is long, or super quick. you can't fully prepare for it no matter how much of an epidural or birth coaching you receive. once you get there, you have to do it. then birth happens...and all of the facets of after birth...sleep depervation, holding, crying, sleeping, caring...i just feel like i birthed. i'm getting rest. i'm eating, but the all of a sudden a wave of pain comes, like a contraction or that moment when you are trying everything in your power to help your newborn sleep, or eat...and it's not working. you just have to be patient and wait it out....

however, i'm tired...my sleep isn't restful...i wake up to the reality of our reality...and wonder what will happen today...

thanks for listening. thanks for your prayers. i'll keep you posted.