so much

there is so much to catch you up on...and yet i have felt overwhelmed at times to post my thoughts because in the midst of closing down here in hart, it has been vocationally silent...and i'm tired of the question, "so what are you going to do after you leave?". To be honest, the look on people's face when they hear us say, "we don't know, we are trusting God" is not what i look forward to. probably because their faces reflect at times what i am feeling about God in this whole thing. at times, he feels near, at times he is so distant and silent i feel like my cries are reverberating against the walls and just echo back into my face. so...do you blame me for not wanting to post? but, i also know, we are being carried by prayer by so many of you-i owe it to you to share my/our heart-no matter how messy. thank you for your patience.

well...let's get vocation out of the way first since it's the shortest...nothing on the ryan front. he met with our denomination guy and there are three churches out there-one in the forest up in tahoe, one in upstate new york/buffalo and another one that i can't recall (perhaps the 29 palms one still?). so, our application goes off to all of them. who knows. i don't feel anything towards this really because we are i think 5th on the list in 29 palms and there is just so much going on here, and with what kind of roller coaster ride it had been earlier on this semester with the other two churches, i just can't ride that ride until there is a ride to ride ; )

for me-there has been a job that i've been pretty excited about, but scared to death about all in the same breath for a bit now. i can't talk too much about it but to say after 3 months of little conversations here and there about it, and then a month of serious prayer and conversation about it, the position is official (finally) and i'm applying for it this week. it's local, it's awesome and the timing of it is rather divine-and i'm trying not to hold tightly to it as if to say that it will carry us through this and save us-because it won't. do you know how hard it is to not hold tightly to things?!?!? it'd be pretty awesome and i will be very sad if i don't get it...because if i don't, that means this door here as i can see it for now is officially closed and we will apply everywhere to find a job. if it doesn't close and i do get it, i think there are also other layers that would be sad, but also amazed. we'll see. please pray this week as i send in my app and resume. pray for discernment...

now...leaving hart. i just don't think it's hit me yet. i have waves of emotion...most of them at the moment have been just absorbing the gratitude of others towards Ryan (and me too at times!) on how he's been impactful and pastoral and gracious etc... towards them. it is a gift to sit by and hear others speak so adoringly about your spouse. i'm so serious-everything they say i feel and say so often, but the effect it has coming from another person as much more weight. i pray he can absorb this all in...and i also pray if i do get the job above, that will free him up a bit more to settle into this new stage in life post-dorm living to really recollect what the last 9 years has been about. even though we went on retreat about a month ago, we both need a retreat again to process letting go...anyway...

last weekend we had a bbq with as many of our RAs as we could get here (about 30-ish i think!) from over the last 9 years...it was amazing!!! fun, conversations, seeing marriages and kids running around (we have had quite a success rate with couples hooking up from staff to staff!!) it was a rich time. it ended with them all praying over us (kids as well...so moving. i think that was their first time experiencing something like that...they actually sat rather still for it!). it was overwhelming. i feel so loved and honored and blessed. this job is really a 24 a day job. there are times/moments we are 'off'...but we are always really on. if the door knocks, we can choose to ignore it (and we do!) and we screen our calls, but at any moment, the fire alarm could go off, there could be a person considering suicide, roommate conflict, bbq, someone who needs a pot to cook spaghetti...you name it...and you know what? i've loved almost every moment of it! (fire alarms are NOT my favorite. power outages are NOT my favorite) i'm the support-i don't have to answer and move on a conflict or distress call, i remain here-however, i've baked more cookies than i can count, made more pots of coffee (gone through 4 pots in 9 years), sat, cried, prayed, rejoiced with so many students over the years that i would not trade it for anything.

ryan commented last week that we haven't made a lot of money. but we are rich. and i'd agree. this ministry has changed us. for the better. for the richer. and i honestly have no clue what life will be like post-hart. quieter (looking forward to not living below men!)...less knocks on our door (sort of sad about that)...i'll be processing here i'm sure what it's like : ) but tonight we say goodbye to our RAs and send them off with a blessing (something ry and i have done every year that i'm so excited about...again-a very rich experience)...i can't wait to pray over these dear ones. then, i think i can begin to let go and do the final push to move this week.

i'll try to not be so silent next week. thank you for your support-your prayers-your care over us. i can't imagine what this time would be like w/o your prayers.