Discovery

Discovery:

for years on and off from 8th grade to about my 2nd year of college, i struggled with anorexia. i know this is pretty common for gals during that time of life...then in more recent stages of life i see myself going to food for comfort when i used to abstain from it as a form of punishment and control. i made a corelation to my struggle with shopping...
when i shop i binge...i shop hard, i spend lots, i come home and then feel guilt, bloated, full...terrible. i take things back, i try to hide my purchases, when i can't take things back, i try to sell them-i purge. get the sense here that there is simular habits? it was this ah-ha moment for me...i transfered one addiction with another. have i been addicted that long? have i binged and purged for that long?
i look around my home and see the clutter and just begin to feel so full and clostrophobic that i just want to sell everything, start fresh, pay off debt...but no matter how much we sell, it won't solve the problem-nor do we have that nice of posessions to liquidate for mass profit. then we'd be sitting on the ground. eating off of one plate. would i feel better then? do i need to be punished for lying, is that what i am looking for? when i was a child (and beyond) if i did something wrong, i'd be sent to my room and basically i'd be there till the pieces of my heart were put back together by myself. no one would come and double check on me. there was no conflict resolution, no apologies, no grace. is it any wonder i keep waiting for the bottom to drop and to be punished because of what i did?
there is so much more i am learning. i'm learning that Love is the change agent that is changing my heart. His love is totally unfamiliar because it's pure. No matter what I do, nothing can separate me from His love. No matter how much i cry, blame myself, try to sell things, He is just holding me telling me calmly that this is not my identity, this is not my name. that he isn't leaving me as i was left to fix myself growing up. He is changing me. I can't fix myself any longer...i don't want to starve, binge and purge anymore.
i am enough. what i am is enough. please lord help that to sink in...help my skin to not repel it like water to oil...help it to penetrate.