I did it:
so...today i celebrated with friends at a bridal shower. i had to go get a gift. i had $20 to spend. how can i make a meaningful gift for my friend count with $20? THIS is a challenge for me because i LOVE to get gifts for my friends. i love thinking about them...considering their loves and creatively searching for a gift that represents them well and shows more care than just a gift card (although, sometimes, those are just as amazing!)
so, i walked into a mall folks. a mall! a pretty great one down in south orange county. (if you have ever watched the real housewives of OC, it's one of the malls near them...just an indicator of the materialism i was to experience). it was a bit of overload. i gripped my strong black coffee....i opened the door....walked around a bit...got my bearings, took a deep breath....walked into crate and barrell....and got four little glass bowls and a pair of cute undies and wrapped them in a darling harvest-y dish towel instead of using paper wrapping...and it came to $22!!! (i just gave 2 bucks of my allowance towards to cause!) ah....i did it. i stayed within budget. well...2 bucks over...but i had the two dollars left in my allowance that i didn't spend at breakfast with my friend!!!
i walked around a bit more. i saw a jcrew. jcrew is like crack to me (reference previous posts!). i walked in. and i looked at things in the perspective of "could i sew this? could i embelish this on a current tshirt?" it was sooo great!! they also had a crewcuts section (their kids clothing line) and totally was in love with their girls stuff and thought, "hey...i can maybe make this!".....amazing. i felt no shame. i felt overwhelmed, but it felt good to look at what was out there and to get inspired.
there was a shirt at forever 21 for $11 that was DaRRRRling....sigh....i walked away. even though it was only $11 and would be SOOOO cute with slacks for teaching or under my vintage-y anthro blazer that my dad in law got me....i walked away.
one small step towards acclimation....one giant leap for me!!
it was a good day. (abs, thanks for the prayers dear friend!)
oh...and i was amongst great friends too....
Monday, June 28, 2010
Test Run
Test Run:
tonight i went shopping. i know....against the 'no shopping experiment' i've committed myself to. but i didn't buy anything. here is what went on...
i went with a friend to ikea, another place that is such a temptation. i didn't go to throw myself into temptation. i went so our kids could all play together and to have an hour to just wander with my friend. by the way, did you know you could drop off your potty trained child at ikea in their safe guarded childcare area for an hour of free play?? free?? well... i dare say it is not free. their intention is briliant! keep your kids in here for an our and shop undistracted, spend money...not free. there is more temptation when they are not distracting you to purchase things. i found myself just really not caring to be there and wanting to just sit and read. maybe next time i'll just go drop them off, grab a coffee and roll and sit and read. or just do that while their in school where i can bring my own coffee from home and read w/o spending the money on gas and being their tempted to shop! ah..always trying to thinking outside the box on this life of mine!
i think what struck me the most is that i didn't linger to see what i wanted or could have. i actually needed a new lampshade. it was only $10. but do i really need it? i asked myself this. the lamp has been in a cupboard for over a year not being used. we have plently of light in our home. it might be nice to have another, but that $10 that i didn't spend actually then paid for our dinner and dessert for all three of us.
it wasn't so hard to be there...i also had a great dear dear friend with me who also knows my journey rather intimately and having her near was secure indeed and a gift.
so, i think this marks a month one of my experiment...of rehab. it's not been hard yet, but i pray against all that is around me that i will not be tempted but be delivered from evil. oh, the lord's prayer has been a close companion these days. i pray you find comfort in it as well.
also-thank you to those who have left comments. they are such an encouragement to me. please feel free to leave comments, ask questions...i know that i am not alone...and i don't want you to feel alone either.
tonight i went shopping. i know....against the 'no shopping experiment' i've committed myself to. but i didn't buy anything. here is what went on...
i went with a friend to ikea, another place that is such a temptation. i didn't go to throw myself into temptation. i went so our kids could all play together and to have an hour to just wander with my friend. by the way, did you know you could drop off your potty trained child at ikea in their safe guarded childcare area for an hour of free play?? free?? well... i dare say it is not free. their intention is briliant! keep your kids in here for an our and shop undistracted, spend money...not free. there is more temptation when they are not distracting you to purchase things. i found myself just really not caring to be there and wanting to just sit and read. maybe next time i'll just go drop them off, grab a coffee and roll and sit and read. or just do that while their in school where i can bring my own coffee from home and read w/o spending the money on gas and being their tempted to shop! ah..always trying to thinking outside the box on this life of mine!
i think what struck me the most is that i didn't linger to see what i wanted or could have. i actually needed a new lampshade. it was only $10. but do i really need it? i asked myself this. the lamp has been in a cupboard for over a year not being used. we have plently of light in our home. it might be nice to have another, but that $10 that i didn't spend actually then paid for our dinner and dessert for all three of us.
it wasn't so hard to be there...i also had a great dear dear friend with me who also knows my journey rather intimately and having her near was secure indeed and a gift.
so, i think this marks a month one of my experiment...of rehab. it's not been hard yet, but i pray against all that is around me that i will not be tempted but be delivered from evil. oh, the lord's prayer has been a close companion these days. i pray you find comfort in it as well.
also-thank you to those who have left comments. they are such an encouragement to me. please feel free to leave comments, ask questions...i know that i am not alone...and i don't want you to feel alone either.
Rollercoaster
Rollercoaster:
what a rollercoaster life can be, and how suseptable i am to the road it takes me on.
late monday i received an email that one of the classes i teach was cancelled due to low enrollement. i was devestated. i wept. not for the loss of the class, but for the loss of security it provided. how were we going to make it? then, the all too familiar voices began to revisit my mind in such a flurry i could barely recall what was truth.
you are to blame for this
if it wasn't for you, your budget would allow for this kind of adjustment, now you are screwed and you screwed your family again in the process
then...all of the things that we need to have worked on came flooding to my mind
ry threw is back out, if you were not in the situation, he could go get his back worked on
you need a new transmission
the battery in your car just died, now you need a new battery...
relentless...like the dips and turns of a rollercoaster you can't get off of...as your face cuts through the wind while you barrel down the dips and turns, it is inescapable...
however, the Lord reminded me how inescapable He is and how His plans are just around the corner. almost like the brakes of the roller coaster began to work and slowly did their job to end the ride...
instead of turning towards my addiction which would be me going to target and walking around, or surfing online for a deal (target, anthropologie and jcrew are basically crack to me-they are my bermuda triangle!), I did two things. One-I talked to Ryan. this would seem like the first response, right? NO! in the length of our marriage, if ever there was a crisis in our finances, i would just go inward, listen to the voices above, then try to fix it on my own. which, never works. i would bear the responsibility of what was going on becuase i felt so much shame and guilt over hiding where we really were at. i was so fearful that he'd leave if i told him the real truth. well...i now know that he won't leave. (more on that whole story another day). it felt so good to talk to ryan about it. next, i took a long hot shower and prayed as i washed away what i felt like. i wept in the shower, yelled (the kids were napping thankfully! swim lessons have been making them really tired!) out all of my interior thoughts just trying to navigate my way through them to find truth again. i felt like the shower was pelting me at first, just a metaphor of all the lies i felt like were raining on my body...then it turned...i began to feel as though the shower was indeed doing it's job-it was washing them away...i looked on the floor of the tub and watched the water move it's way towards the drain and disappear...i felt a release, like the water was the puddle of thoughts, emotions, explitives and lies i was wearing. maybe it was from the yelling which is quite cathartic coupled with the metaphor the Lord was showing me as i stood naked before Him yelling. I then only had just a slight whispher left in me, "Lord-I need you. I can't fix this. I need you." I went to dry off and just fell into bed and took a really great long nap. after the nap, i got an email asking me to teach another class. i was in awe. really, Lord? you heard me?
in that moment, and the moments following to finish this week's rollercoaster, i just sat back and watched the Lord provide for us in ways I can describe, but just cannot do them justice. Every night this week our dinners were provided for, which saved us money in our grocery budget. all the lunches we had were either made for us or we had them in our fridge...same with breakfast...with a little extra thought, i made a little extra coffee in my french press so i could take some on road with me instead of getting starbucks and my parents slipped me $80 to get a new battery and a car wash.
It brings the words of the Psalmist, David to mind to vividly, I wonder if he felt this way as he penned these words from his 139th Psalm,
...Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Truly Lord, the thought of you and your care and intimate knowledge of me is too wonderful. Not in the sense of wonderful we think (oh how wonderful!) no, Lord-like WONDER...i'm in awe...it is too much for me to wonder upon. Even when I doubt and basically throw a temper tantrum in the shower, you are there and you take it. Even when I sit and gaze upon your creation, you are there. Thank you Lord that you hold me in fast...I am in awe...
what will happen this week, Lord??? let's strap back in that rollercoaster-i'm up for it
what a rollercoaster life can be, and how suseptable i am to the road it takes me on.
late monday i received an email that one of the classes i teach was cancelled due to low enrollement. i was devestated. i wept. not for the loss of the class, but for the loss of security it provided. how were we going to make it? then, the all too familiar voices began to revisit my mind in such a flurry i could barely recall what was truth.
you are to blame for this
if it wasn't for you, your budget would allow for this kind of adjustment, now you are screwed and you screwed your family again in the process
then...all of the things that we need to have worked on came flooding to my mind
ry threw is back out, if you were not in the situation, he could go get his back worked on
you need a new transmission
the battery in your car just died, now you need a new battery...
relentless...like the dips and turns of a rollercoaster you can't get off of...as your face cuts through the wind while you barrel down the dips and turns, it is inescapable...
however, the Lord reminded me how inescapable He is and how His plans are just around the corner. almost like the brakes of the roller coaster began to work and slowly did their job to end the ride...
instead of turning towards my addiction which would be me going to target and walking around, or surfing online for a deal (target, anthropologie and jcrew are basically crack to me-they are my bermuda triangle!), I did two things. One-I talked to Ryan. this would seem like the first response, right? NO! in the length of our marriage, if ever there was a crisis in our finances, i would just go inward, listen to the voices above, then try to fix it on my own. which, never works. i would bear the responsibility of what was going on becuase i felt so much shame and guilt over hiding where we really were at. i was so fearful that he'd leave if i told him the real truth. well...i now know that he won't leave. (more on that whole story another day). it felt so good to talk to ryan about it. next, i took a long hot shower and prayed as i washed away what i felt like. i wept in the shower, yelled (the kids were napping thankfully! swim lessons have been making them really tired!) out all of my interior thoughts just trying to navigate my way through them to find truth again. i felt like the shower was pelting me at first, just a metaphor of all the lies i felt like were raining on my body...then it turned...i began to feel as though the shower was indeed doing it's job-it was washing them away...i looked on the floor of the tub and watched the water move it's way towards the drain and disappear...i felt a release, like the water was the puddle of thoughts, emotions, explitives and lies i was wearing. maybe it was from the yelling which is quite cathartic coupled with the metaphor the Lord was showing me as i stood naked before Him yelling. I then only had just a slight whispher left in me, "Lord-I need you. I can't fix this. I need you." I went to dry off and just fell into bed and took a really great long nap. after the nap, i got an email asking me to teach another class. i was in awe. really, Lord? you heard me?
in that moment, and the moments following to finish this week's rollercoaster, i just sat back and watched the Lord provide for us in ways I can describe, but just cannot do them justice. Every night this week our dinners were provided for, which saved us money in our grocery budget. all the lunches we had were either made for us or we had them in our fridge...same with breakfast...with a little extra thought, i made a little extra coffee in my french press so i could take some on road with me instead of getting starbucks and my parents slipped me $80 to get a new battery and a car wash.
It brings the words of the Psalmist, David to mind to vividly, I wonder if he felt this way as he penned these words from his 139th Psalm,
...Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
Truly Lord, the thought of you and your care and intimate knowledge of me is too wonderful. Not in the sense of wonderful we think (oh how wonderful!) no, Lord-like WONDER...i'm in awe...it is too much for me to wonder upon. Even when I doubt and basically throw a temper tantrum in the shower, you are there and you take it. Even when I sit and gaze upon your creation, you are there. Thank you Lord that you hold me in fast...I am in awe...
what will happen this week, Lord??? let's strap back in that rollercoaster-i'm up for it
Uncomfortable
Uncomfortable:
my birthday was this past saturday and my parents took me to breakfast (my FAVORITE!) and a movie. there was some time prior to the moving starting and we wandered around and walked into ann taylor loft. they got me a pair of pants and a skirt-totaling $10.81 (seriously amazing deal)
BUT...i was sooo uncomfortable being there. should i have let them buy me these things? should i have just sat at starbucks with the ice tea they got me (ahh..green tea ice tea sweetened...nothing like it!) and stayed put? i basically shopped!! that's illegal to this addict! it's like a porn addict going to a strip club or getting a playboy or something. what was i thinking? i felt guitly the whole time there.
but...a question a dear friend posed to me...is it shopping or staying within your means that is the issue? do i need to learn how to spend within my means? um...yes, yes i do. i want things. i want to get fabric to be creative and make clothes and pillows and things. i get an allowance...so how do i learn to stay within my means....
i still need to avoid clothing stores at the moment...but learning what i learned here was paramount. pausing myself and considering...not binging and purging...
my birthday was this past saturday and my parents took me to breakfast (my FAVORITE!) and a movie. there was some time prior to the moving starting and we wandered around and walked into ann taylor loft. they got me a pair of pants and a skirt-totaling $10.81 (seriously amazing deal)
BUT...i was sooo uncomfortable being there. should i have let them buy me these things? should i have just sat at starbucks with the ice tea they got me (ahh..green tea ice tea sweetened...nothing like it!) and stayed put? i basically shopped!! that's illegal to this addict! it's like a porn addict going to a strip club or getting a playboy or something. what was i thinking? i felt guitly the whole time there.
but...a question a dear friend posed to me...is it shopping or staying within your means that is the issue? do i need to learn how to spend within my means? um...yes, yes i do. i want things. i want to get fabric to be creative and make clothes and pillows and things. i get an allowance...so how do i learn to stay within my means....
i still need to avoid clothing stores at the moment...but learning what i learned here was paramount. pausing myself and considering...not binging and purging...
Discovery
Discovery:
for years on and off from 8th grade to about my 2nd year of college, i struggled with anorexia. i know this is pretty common for gals during that time of life...then in more recent stages of life i see myself going to food for comfort when i used to abstain from it as a form of punishment and control. i made a corelation to my struggle with shopping...
when i shop i binge...i shop hard, i spend lots, i come home and then feel guilt, bloated, full...terrible. i take things back, i try to hide my purchases, when i can't take things back, i try to sell them-i purge. get the sense here that there is simular habits? it was this ah-ha moment for me...i transfered one addiction with another. have i been addicted that long? have i binged and purged for that long?
i look around my home and see the clutter and just begin to feel so full and clostrophobic that i just want to sell everything, start fresh, pay off debt...but no matter how much we sell, it won't solve the problem-nor do we have that nice of posessions to liquidate for mass profit. then we'd be sitting on the ground. eating off of one plate. would i feel better then? do i need to be punished for lying, is that what i am looking for? when i was a child (and beyond) if i did something wrong, i'd be sent to my room and basically i'd be there till the pieces of my heart were put back together by myself. no one would come and double check on me. there was no conflict resolution, no apologies, no grace. is it any wonder i keep waiting for the bottom to drop and to be punished because of what i did?
there is so much more i am learning. i'm learning that Love is the change agent that is changing my heart. His love is totally unfamiliar because it's pure. No matter what I do, nothing can separate me from His love. No matter how much i cry, blame myself, try to sell things, He is just holding me telling me calmly that this is not my identity, this is not my name. that he isn't leaving me as i was left to fix myself growing up. He is changing me. I can't fix myself any longer...i don't want to starve, binge and purge anymore.
i am enough. what i am is enough. please lord help that to sink in...help my skin to not repel it like water to oil...help it to penetrate.
for years on and off from 8th grade to about my 2nd year of college, i struggled with anorexia. i know this is pretty common for gals during that time of life...then in more recent stages of life i see myself going to food for comfort when i used to abstain from it as a form of punishment and control. i made a corelation to my struggle with shopping...
when i shop i binge...i shop hard, i spend lots, i come home and then feel guilt, bloated, full...terrible. i take things back, i try to hide my purchases, when i can't take things back, i try to sell them-i purge. get the sense here that there is simular habits? it was this ah-ha moment for me...i transfered one addiction with another. have i been addicted that long? have i binged and purged for that long?
i look around my home and see the clutter and just begin to feel so full and clostrophobic that i just want to sell everything, start fresh, pay off debt...but no matter how much we sell, it won't solve the problem-nor do we have that nice of posessions to liquidate for mass profit. then we'd be sitting on the ground. eating off of one plate. would i feel better then? do i need to be punished for lying, is that what i am looking for? when i was a child (and beyond) if i did something wrong, i'd be sent to my room and basically i'd be there till the pieces of my heart were put back together by myself. no one would come and double check on me. there was no conflict resolution, no apologies, no grace. is it any wonder i keep waiting for the bottom to drop and to be punished because of what i did?
there is so much more i am learning. i'm learning that Love is the change agent that is changing my heart. His love is totally unfamiliar because it's pure. No matter what I do, nothing can separate me from His love. No matter how much i cry, blame myself, try to sell things, He is just holding me telling me calmly that this is not my identity, this is not my name. that he isn't leaving me as i was left to fix myself growing up. He is changing me. I can't fix myself any longer...i don't want to starve, binge and purge anymore.
i am enough. what i am is enough. please lord help that to sink in...help my skin to not repel it like water to oil...help it to penetrate.
Green
Green:
as i have been navigating through my no shopping experiment, it has caused be to think in an eco fashion. i'm am already one who really attempts to consider purchases in regards to our homegoods (food, cleaning materials, paper goods etc...). and i found myself today considering another sort of fork in the road decision as i am not suppose to be shopping.
my little girl begins kindergarten here in a couple weeks. my first gut reaction to this (other than sobs!) are, "oh, we need to get her...." fill in the dots. i found myself browsing sites for backpacks, lunchbags etc....then i began to think, "well, if we are going to do this, we should consider what materials they are made from and how they are being made" so i began to internet shop for eco school supplies. then i stopped myself. isn't what i am doing, my self prescribed no shopping sort of green? isn't the whole point to stop consuming and or consider what it is you are consuming and it's effects on you and the planet? so, i looked around the house and have a backpack and a lunchbag for her. perfectly still in tact and ready to use. maybe it's not bpa free or made from a sustainable and regenerating product (bamboo, hemp...) but at least i'm not spending money and have yet another backpack on our shelf! so...then...the whole idea of ziplocks and what i should do with that came to mind...
my point is...it never stops. the thoughts of consumption don't end. how can i make what i have around the house into something that can not be a ziplock-maybe i can make one of those wraps that contain fruits, veggies and sandwiches....i wish i had some oilcloth around the house, i'd sew up something!!
in all of these little bits of daily thoughts, they draw my attention to the cross. i wonder what His thoughts are on this whole journey? Lord-i do not want to do any part of this fast without you. i have done so much of my life with you, but compartmentalized this part of my life from you. now that there is no stone unturned, please dear Lord, please show me continually, how to consider all the layers that make up the addiction to consume and shop. thank you for slowing and stoping me from shopping and helping me to look around and to consider how to repurpose what is around me. i am so blessed to possess what we already have...give me a fresh perspective to use and re-use wisely not just to care for our planet, but most importantly, to care for our family. we have so much. thank you for the blessings you have given to us...man, Lord-what a lesson in stewardship this is.
as i have been navigating through my no shopping experiment, it has caused be to think in an eco fashion. i'm am already one who really attempts to consider purchases in regards to our homegoods (food, cleaning materials, paper goods etc...). and i found myself today considering another sort of fork in the road decision as i am not suppose to be shopping.
my little girl begins kindergarten here in a couple weeks. my first gut reaction to this (other than sobs!) are, "oh, we need to get her...." fill in the dots. i found myself browsing sites for backpacks, lunchbags etc....then i began to think, "well, if we are going to do this, we should consider what materials they are made from and how they are being made" so i began to internet shop for eco school supplies. then i stopped myself. isn't what i am doing, my self prescribed no shopping sort of green? isn't the whole point to stop consuming and or consider what it is you are consuming and it's effects on you and the planet? so, i looked around the house and have a backpack and a lunchbag for her. perfectly still in tact and ready to use. maybe it's not bpa free or made from a sustainable and regenerating product (bamboo, hemp...) but at least i'm not spending money and have yet another backpack on our shelf! so...then...the whole idea of ziplocks and what i should do with that came to mind...
my point is...it never stops. the thoughts of consumption don't end. how can i make what i have around the house into something that can not be a ziplock-maybe i can make one of those wraps that contain fruits, veggies and sandwiches....i wish i had some oilcloth around the house, i'd sew up something!!
in all of these little bits of daily thoughts, they draw my attention to the cross. i wonder what His thoughts are on this whole journey? Lord-i do not want to do any part of this fast without you. i have done so much of my life with you, but compartmentalized this part of my life from you. now that there is no stone unturned, please dear Lord, please show me continually, how to consider all the layers that make up the addiction to consume and shop. thank you for slowing and stoping me from shopping and helping me to look around and to consider how to repurpose what is around me. i am so blessed to possess what we already have...give me a fresh perspective to use and re-use wisely not just to care for our planet, but most importantly, to care for our family. we have so much. thank you for the blessings you have given to us...man, Lord-what a lesson in stewardship this is.
Moved...
I've moved my 'no shopping experiment' to just being here at our adventures. I've wanted to move it for a while, but have been busy. I took the time tonight to copy all my old blogs about it, and will be in the process of moving them here. Bear with me as some older posts about no shopping that you may have read will be here and repeated. Still not shopping (except for a few very needed items) till my birthday in August. I don't even know what that will be like! Anyway...enjoy.
My Story:
So, here is a bit of the background of my story which will hopefully illuminate the reason why i am choosing to abstain from shopping for a semester (or maybe a year-going to re-evaluate this in the wintertime)
4 years into marriage and $12,000 of credit debt, I looked into going back to school. I didn't know how this was going to happen as I looked over credit statements showing us where we were at. However, there was no 'We" in this. I paid the bills, I was the one who told Ryan where we were at with the money-and I didn't tell him where we were at financially. As long as everything was paid and he had money in his pocket, he didn't ask or need to wonder where we were at. He began the wonder how we were able to afford some of the things we were doing, but never brought it up. This was ths Spirit beginning to prompt him to ask..,
One evening I went to my in-laws house to talk to them about school and if they would be willing to help out with the costs of it. It was at that time they shared with me of an inheritance they were going to be giving us from Ed's mother who has recently passed. This amount would mostly pay for school and pay off our debt. I cried. I cried for three reasons. One, that the Lord knew-he knew the exact number we needed and he saved us in ways we would never have been able to save ourselves. Two-humbled to my core that he would save us in the midst of my utter sin. And three-i had to tell ryan financially where we were at.
Well...a slap on the hand, two degrees, two children and 5 years later, we find ourselves in the same predicament again. How did this happen again!!? We were in the clear! I know why...I hid. I hid from the man I commited my life to an addiction I had that I kept saying I had under control. Shopping. There is a caviat-i'm not the only one-my husband loves to buy things and go out to eat etc..etc...but i never said no, we can't afford this or that. Consumption really is the word of my addiction. But, am I alone? I have to admit, it feels pretty lonely here...I know I am not though...
This is why I am choosing to blog about it. Well...several reasons. I type faster than I write, but of paramount cause-because I don't want to hide anymore. If I continue to choose the path that I have chosen to live, loss will be my future. Satan will do anything to continue his directive in me to hide-and I can't let that happen anymore. Where there is light, there is no darkness. I want to be known. I have NO clue who will find this blog and read it, but my prayer is that it reasonates with some in a some small degree, and that as I process and journey my way through my self-prescribed rehab, that we can all minister to one another.
Who doesn't have an addiction of some sort? What does it look like to walk each day thinking outside the box of consumption and to see how truly each one of my needs has been met and I need for not that much.
thank you for indulging me as I wonder into this world of light and Love. welcome to my blog. welcome to my journey.
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