Moved

I've moved my 'no shopping experiment' to just being here at our adventures. I've wanted to move it for a while, but have been busy. I took the time tonight to copy all my old blogs about it, and will be in the process of moving them here. Bear with me as some older posts about no shopping that you may have read will be here and repeated. Still not shopping (except for a few very needed items) till my birthday in August. I don't even know what that will be like! Anyway...enjoy.

My Story:

So, here is a bit of the background of my story which will hopefully illuminate the reason why i am choosing to abstain from shopping for a semester (or maybe a year-going to re-evaluate this in the wintertime)

4 years into marriage and $12,000 of credit debt, I looked into going back to school. I didn't know how this was going to happen as I looked over credit statements showing us where we were at. However, there was no 'We" in this. I paid the bills, I was the one who told Ryan where we were at with the money-and I didn't tell him where we were at financially. As long as everything was paid and he had money in his pocket, he didn't ask or need to wonder where we were at. He began the wonder how we were able to afford some of the things we were doing, but never brought it up. This was ths Spirit beginning to prompt him to ask..,

One evening I went to my in-laws house to talk to them about school and if they would be willing to help out with the costs of it. It was at that time they shared with me of an inheritance they were going to be giving us from Ed's mother who has recently passed. This amount would mostly pay for school and pay off our debt. I cried. I cried for three reasons. One, that the Lord knew-he knew the exact number we needed and he saved us in ways we would never have been able to save ourselves. Two-humbled to my core that he would save us in the midst of my utter sin. And three-i had to tell ryan financially where we were at.

Well...a slap on the hand, two degrees, two children and 5 years later, we find ourselves in the same predicament again. How did this happen again!!? We were in the clear! I know why...I hid. I hid from the man I commited my life to an addiction I had that I kept saying I had under control. Shopping. There is a caviat-i'm not the only one-my husband loves to buy things and go out to eat etc..etc...but i never said no, we can't afford this or that. Consumption really is the word of my addiction. But, am I alone? I have to admit, it feels pretty lonely here...I know I am not though...

This is why I am choosing to blog about it. Well...several reasons. I type faster than I write, but of paramount cause-because I don't want to hide anymore. If I continue to choose the path that I have chosen to live, loss will be my future. Satan will do anything to continue his directive in me to hide-and I can't let that happen anymore. Where there is light, there is no darkness. I want to be known. I have NO clue who will find this blog and read it, but my prayer is that it reasonates with some in a some small degree, and that as I process and journey my way through my self-prescribed rehab, that we can all minister to one another.

Who doesn't have an addiction of some sort? What does it look like to walk each day thinking outside the box of consumption and to see how truly each one of my needs has been met and I need for not that much.

thank you for indulging me as I wonder into this world of light and Love. welcome to my blog. welcome to my journey.

quiet

Quiet:

I've been pretty quiet from here for a while. You know when you have not talked to a friend in quite a while and then you begin to realize that the more distance between conversations, you'll need further explanation into why the distance became wider and wider. That is how I feel about dialouging about this. It is not as thought I want to avoid talking about what is going on inside in this process of not shopping, but I have to be honest, it does get a bit tiring. Have you ever wanted something to just be done? It's not that I am desperate to shop, that i want my rehab to be done...in fact...this week for the first time I bought a cardigan. I wanted to go into a store (KMart...I know...not glamous, but not a tempting place for me. I thought I'd check out a cardigan while I picked up medicine for our daughter) and see about a cardigan. I had my allowance...I found the exact color cardigan i'd been looking for (blue) and it is a cute boyfriend kind of cardi...got it ($12!) and came home. the interesting thing is, i felt the need to hide my purchase. I didn't want to tell Ryan because am I suppose to shop yet? The rehab isn't over till 8/29/10...
So...it was a weird conversation to have with Ryan about my cardigan. He was fine with it...I think i wasn't. like I was committing adultry to my rehab committment. Part of it is re-emursing myself it shopping in a healthy way...how do you do that? is there really a right way?
another reason of being quiet...there has been a lot of other things going on by way of vocational distractions that have kept me occupied rather than thinking about shopping...and i've found myself not really thinking about shopping or filling the void, space or bordem or avoidance of things with shopping. you may ask, "what then are you filing it with?" well...I just honestly have't had the time to think about shopping. I even have some gift cards that I could spend (was given permission to spend them, but may hold onto them till my birthday) and just haven't wanted to. i have filled the void with busyness. I have a load of clients / directees this semester, teaching two classes (or rather facilitating groups within those classes) and trying to figure out my husband's potential job (he's been interviewing at several places). but i think mostly the quiet has been wondering if i really had anything to share, to say...there are some familiar voices that have been visiting in my mind (you wouldn't need x amount of dollars from any job he's hunting for if you didn't have this debt...) blah blah blah...i just keep telling those voices, 'blah blah blah' so what else do you have to say?!?! don't you just get tired of those voices? relentless, just beginning to become quiet as well...
so many challenges still...but still plugging away at the rehab...


It has been a while since I have visited this blog. I think so much was going on that I just couldn't write it. It felt too overwhelming...Even now it feels overwhelming, but cathartic as well. I have wanted to write, but just didn't have it in me.
The road of dying to your self and watching Christ redeem is a hard road. Transformation is hard. Hard is not even a strong enough word. There are days of victory, and days of utter defeat.
I haven't shopped since my birthday...haven't even wanted to even venture into a store actually. I've even sort of stopped reading all the blogs I was reading on how to repurspose clothing because it was bringing up that feeling of I have to make this, I have to do this, I have to show that I am creative, productive and NOT what I am feeling right now. So, I stopped.
The defeat I have been feeling is just knowing and sitting in my sin and there is nothing i can do about it...yet here is the victory and one who can do something about it...he can redeem. he is and has
here is where we've been with the Lord the last two days....
Me:
2 Cor 3:12-18
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We
are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the
Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But
their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when
the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in
Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect[a]
the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with
ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
Hello....17-18....especially 18....And we, who with unveild faces all reflect the Lord's glory....stop here...
I reflect His glory? BECAUSE OF CHRIST!! The veil has been lifted. Whenever I turn to the Lord, the veil is taken away. He paid the price for my sin. I can't fix myself, I can't fix our finances (I can be from this point on someone who submits, surrenders and obeys his call of stewardship...I can turn from my ways and into his redpemtive power that illuminates the path towards wisdom, grace and truth)...but he is transforming me/us. He is showing us radically not how we spend, but the why...and through this surrender of control-that every purchase doesn't only cost money, but there is another cost to it as well, isn't there? That cost is the deeper journey....Do I need this? Does this fill me or does Christ? I can have nice things, but is it within our budget...can I spend money within the budget instead of seeing that we have a little extra, so we can go out, or just live paycheck to paycheck...that is not freedom! That doesn't free me up to be able to do ministry. Debt looms....but it is SOOO teaching me so much more than just to irradicate it. Christ wants all of me....every nook and crannie....every part of my inner most being to be transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory....this transformation can only happen IN CHRIST. not in anthropologie or jcrew...i can put on a new self for you all to see...but will you see Christ in me? Isn't that our ultimate goal? Even if i put on a new purse or shoe or pant....did I do it within my means? there is a fear there that I won't be able to. What if the debt was gone...what if there was a freedom, would i run to target or run to christ? if i run to target would i spend what i am given and stay within my means, or goarge myself and binge on purchases?
and this is where Ryan was too...he could get another job...I could try to get more clients...teach more classes...but is this being responsible or is this trusting? Ryan had a second job, and through the 5 years of that second job we racked up all this debt, even when we had all that extra money, we just spent and spent and spent. God took the job and gave it to another. I have NO regrets or resentment towards that at all. We were not suppose to be in that job any longer. So...are we to get a second job? If he provided another to replace us in that job...are we to not get another one? are we suppose to surrender and trust for him to provide? ry has a job interview next week...LORD-please reveal to us in this next week wisdom as to what to do....there has been so much excavation and meetings and ideas and processing...dark hours and dreams and tears and embraces....what are we to do? which road to take, Lord? Only you can save us. You have....
I'm listening to Pandora right now (brooke fraiser radio...ah...i LOVE her! i can sing i her range!) and this song came up...I can't sing this song in church without tears....
1,000 times i have failed, still your mercy remains
should I stumble again, i'm caught in your grace
everlasting your light will shine when all else fails, never ending your glory goes beyond all fame
your will above all else still my purpose remains
the art of loosing myself, in bringing you praise
my heart and my soul, i give you control, consume me from the inside out, Lord
let justice and grace become my embrace
to love you from the inside out....
amen....may you be continuing the transformation even thought it's hard, painful, amazing, wonderful. may you continue to reveal your ever increasing glory in us....amen....

Catch up

Wow...it's been quite a while since I wrote....
So...if anyone IS actually reading this, I wonder if you have thoughts of what it has been like to be me in the midst of the most consumeristic season of the American year. Here is what it has been like (I should have written as each moment came...but...it was also a season of getting grades in...)
In an effort to not spend too much, we opened a separate checking account (which gifted us with $150 dollars just for joining!! extra Christmas money!) with money that was gifted to us through doing some pre-martial counseling. With that money, Ryan and I sat down one night and decided what we would spend on each member of our family that we were to exchange gifts with and those who also needed gifts due to work exchanges. With some sewing that I did (aLOT of sewing...), blowing up photos and making $10 calendars (thankYOU costco!) and re-purposing frames for gifts...etc...etc...we were able to give each person (20 folks total, including Ryan and I) a gift. It was a blessing. We also were able to give 10% of that money towards two chickens and two soccer balls via worldvision.com as a gift to Jesus. We wanted to do something with the kids in order to help them to better understand this season...i hope to make this a tradition...
how do you talk to your kids about the gifts they didn't get?
all day on christmas day our son was moping all about. he is a stubborn little man and i figured it was because he wanted to go home and play on his new drum set/kit (someone GAVE us an AWESOME drum kit because they knew he loved rock and roll music!!!). no. that wasn't it. he was upset that he didn't get a star wars laptop. this laptop that was at costco that he held in his hand for like 30 seconds...that gift is the gift that was stuck in his mind that he didn't receive....that was the cause of his moping about. once i stepped out a bit from my frustration with his attitude, i couldn't help but relate to the little guy. no matter how much i have received, or wanted...there was still a ting of wanting more...all the things that i got that didn't fill me whole. i sat in the car and talked to him a little bit about how the gifts he had received were from the heart and not to make him mad...asking him how he'd feel if we didn't like the gifts we received from him and actually told him so...and just talking and listening to him a bit more about how he liked the laptop and that indeed there are times in life we don't always get what we want...but how can we let those who love us and who thought a lot about what they purchased for you, how we can with a thankful heart give them a gift by saying thank you. man...how would you have handled that?
again, i do go back to how i relate to him. that day, i got an amazing gift. a nikon 3000 dslr. the only thing i kept thinking was, "does it do hd video?" it doesn't. i was discontent. could i be more selfish? i talked to the Lord about it. why was it that i got this amazing gift that i had wanted for soooo long...and still wished for more? can i be content? i was fine the day before when i didn't have a dslr. it is a pretty amazing camera. i was thinking out of convenience sake that having everything in one camera versus having a dslr, a video camera and a point and shoot...what if they were just all in one...my rationale was rather rational. however, still...this train of thinking still left me wanting more...
how can be content in this world when everything changes and the next and best thing will always be out there...
lord, i need you.

Pacing

This past week, and 24hrs have been pretty hard. I think it's not hard for me to admit it's hard, it's the actualy writing of it and submitting to the fact that it was indeed hard. giving myself permission to call it hard and not to try to sugar coat it and make it something it isn't. The beautiful thing about this past week was that I celebrated 35 years of life. about 20 of those I have known my husband and about 14 years of that i have loved him. He took me on a suprise date and we ate and danced and I felt so pursued. Ryan, if you are reading this, thank you-even when it's hard sometimes to love me, you do.
What was hard was Monday night and balancing our checkbook. Ryan is not working two jobs anymore and I don't get paid from my adjunt job till tomorrow which leaves us with all the bills paid, but very little left over. I just sat there, looking at the budget on my laptop thinking about what we were going to do. We have grocery money...we have gas money...the bills are paid...for that i am thankful and truly see that the lord is providing for us...we don't have creditors calling our home 24/7...but it was hard to sit down with ryan and to tell him the reality of really where we were at for the next couple weeks. Normally, i'd just bottle it all up, give him his allowance because if he had his allowance, he'd not ask about how we were doing with our budget. but, instead of absorbing all of the anxiety, i told him where we were at. we both sat there on the couch. quiet. he said, "well...okay." he talked a bit more about being thankful that we had what we needed and that we live on campus where we have meals in the cafe that are free in case we need to eat there, and we have family nearby that we use their laundry...but i just sat there as he left feeling so low. pacing in my mind through all of the failures...'we wouldn't be here if it wasnt for you...we would be in such a different place if after 8 years of living here...10 years of living with NO RENT we would be somewhere sooo different. what the f*&^ have you been doing all these years! you are worse off now than you were back then...' so on and so on...
i just was numb. i couldn't speak. even today as i type and consider that good friends really want to have dinner with us on saturday night to celebrate birthdays, and that i'm gone most of the weekend with a dear friend up at camp to help her out and retreat a bit...what are you up to, lord??? we can't afford to go out to dinner! i can't even buy coffee up at camp!!! sigh...
...and also...we have a meeting tonight with a missions organization that we LOVE and sooo believe in what they are doing to see if we would be a good fit with them... but are we waisting his time and money tonight? who are we to be missionaries when we have this debt that needs to be paid?
so, as always, i retreat to the shower. standing under the warmth of the water is soooo theraputic for me.
and i heard, "your debt doesn't define you, i define who you are."
i said back, "well...being a missionary could possibly one of the most amazing and yet scary things in life for me-to depend on someone else to provide for our family..."
then i stopped...in all my efforts to provide for myself, to fix our finances, to hide this all from ryan in an effort to fix it...where the hell did this get me? um...deeper in debt, deeper into lies, deeper into seeing that i am not in control of my life and if i try, i fail. the lord has provided for us. not me. not us. so how do we learn to use what we have and be good stewards of it? what is at the root of our spending habits? what are we trying to fill in an effort to avoid the cross or avoid our issues or avoid anything for that matter?
so, what are we to say to sam when we with him this evening???... i am still left pacing in my mind considering what the lord has for us...i wish selfishly that some check would just appear and make this all go away. but, that happened once for us and now we are back where we were, if not worse. if we cashed in all our assests, everything and paid off everything...would we still go and spend money without consideration? this is the question. it didn't solve anything before. will it now? no. we are learning moment by moment what it is to consider every purchase. is this the best price? is this the healthiest solution? do we have something around the house that can work just as good as if we went to purchase it new? this is a whole new language for me. a WHOLE new language.
i am learning to pause...i am learning to stop pacing in my mind and not allow myself to sucum to the voices in my head. i told ryan where we were at. that is a victory. he responded and we talked through it. he didn't storm off. he never has. i don't know where i got it in my head that he would ever do that...oh yeah-um...people in my life have done that and i just assumed he would too. i never gave him the benefit of the doubt.
yesterday was my daugther's good friend's birthday. it was butterfly themed. i would have gone out and bought her $20 worth of stuff...but i made her a hair clip that emily chose the fabric for...emily wanted to wear butterflies,so i sewed on butterflies onto her shirt with the left over fabric from her friend's clip...and i dug around and found watercolors and a journal of blank pages for her friend to paint in. Lord-you are so good! i didn't have to pay a dime for her gift! i even re-used wrapping!!
out of all of this processing (thanks for bearing with my processing!) is this:
each day is a new day. he makes all things new each day. that is including me. i bear his image. i don't bear a huge red "D" on my shirt telling the world i'm a debtor. however, aren't we all? aren't we all in debt to the one who saved our life from the dominion of darkness? i could never repay what he has done for me. how can i think that i can repay what i've gotten myself into here on earth without him? lord, help me to continue to see that you forgive our transgressions and deliver us from evil and that this is not my kingdom to control, but your kingdom. may your kingdom come and your will be done, not mine.

The Good

in light of facing our debt...here is the good that i have seen from it that i wanted to post in sort of thanksgiving theme fashion. i know we all have so much to be thankful for, but i just feel like this year, especially, i am so thankful.
i'm thankful for the roof over our head, the food on our table, the warmth of our home and that we have clothes, food, shelter, warm shower, warm bed and a loving community that is holding us, caring for us and just amazing
i'm thankful for our cars. they are old. but they run and are paid for in full.
i'm thankful for the fact that our budget pays for all our bills, puts some in savings, and even in the face of all that we are facing, somehow, the Lord is coordinating all our money in such a way that i'm shocked we can actually afford to buy some presents for christmas.
i'm thankful my in laws bought me a sewing machine that i can sew gifts and dresses for christmas this year
i'm thankful that this time of facing our marriage and uncovering things that were hidden is refining, purifiying and all around hard. now, that sounds weird to be thankful for this, but i don't ever want to live in fear anymore-fear of being found out-fear of hiding...i'm so thankful for ryan and his gentle gracious pursuit of my heart and his calm patient presence as i gave him my uncovered heart. you'd think after 11 years of marriage that i'd know this about my husband...but so many years of hurt and brokeness told me that trusting others was too risky. it told me that i could just keep the secrets locked away in my heart and i woudln't have to share them with anyone...but the voices of those secrets became too much to bear...and ryan received my whole life...my whole heart this year. i am so thankful for this man who loves me in all my beauty and all my mess.
i'm so thankful for grace. what would we do without our saviors grace?
i'm so thankful that i have made it since august 29th without shopping. i did buy one bag of hair stuff at savers for $3 but they are old headbands to recover for my nieces and daughter for christmas presents so they'll have matching hair stuff to go with their skirts and dresses. but..i've done it! even the fabric i have people have given to me...i need more elastic, but my process is to tell ryan what i'm doing, where i'm going and what i'm getting. this is the next phase of this journey-how to shop with the money i have and how to shop with ryan knowing about it.

Gifts

i have a dear friend who needs a job. somehow we were able to scrape a bit together to give her some money to help her make her rent and bills. i just feel for her. this is what we are called to do. be the body. be the church. if someone is in need of clothes, give them clothes...if they need food, give food. if they need money...get the point? in acts chapter 2 is says:
42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need....
this is what we are suppose to do...i just wish i could give more...
then the lord gave back to us...
i am usually the one that is so willing to support, serve, bake, give whatever is needed to help others. it doesn't really occur to me that i should also be the recipient of someone elses gifts. that is a discipline. it's a discpline to give just as much as it is a discpline to receive...i'm learning this!
case in point...we have dear friends who committed to giving us some money each month for three months in a effort to help us save for the months that i don't get paid to teach (as an adjunct, i only get paid when i teach, not throughout the year...and i don't get benefits either...at least we do with ry's job!). so january and feb were going to be rough. so rough we thought that ry would have to get a second job. our friend's generousity, although pretty hard to receive since i know they need the month too, is amazing. i'd give them money in a heartbeat...and they did for us.
yesterday my father in law just handed me money and said he knew we needed some help. again, didn't ask. what does god see ahead of us that he knows we'll need this? off to savings it goes. in times past, we'd go out to eat with it, party it up with that extra cash...and i'm so stoked to say it's going in savings!! ah....lord, thank you for those little gifts here and there. how does that happen??!! it's the prompting of your spirit in others...seriously...lord,....i'm humbled....thank you. please bless the families who are coming along side us and helping us in this time...bless them...provide clarity for their lives as they begin to transition and bring my dear sister a job that will give her vacation pay and benefits. amen.
how have you seen the lord provide for you? it may not be as blatent as money handed to you...it could be in so many other ways...please share!

I Did It

I did it:

so...today i celebrated with friends at a bridal shower. i had to go get a gift. i had $20 to spend. how can i make a meaningful gift for my friend count with $20? THIS is a challenge for me because i LOVE to get gifts for my friends. i love thinking about them...considering their loves and creatively searching for a gift that represents them well and shows more care than just a gift card (although, sometimes, those are just as amazing!)
so, i walked into a mall folks. a mall! a pretty great one down in south orange county. (if you have ever watched the real housewives of OC, it's one of the malls near them...just an indicator of the materialism i was to experience). it was a bit of overload. i gripped my strong black coffee....i opened the door....walked around a bit...got my bearings, took a deep breath....walked into crate and barrell....and got four little glass bowls and a pair of cute undies and wrapped them in a darling harvest-y dish towel instead of using paper wrapping...and it came to $22!!! (i just gave 2 bucks of my allowance towards to cause!) ah....i did it. i stayed within budget. well...2 bucks over...but i had the two dollars left in my allowance that i didn't spend at breakfast with my friend!!!
i walked around a bit more. i saw a jcrew. jcrew is like crack to me (reference previous posts!). i walked in. and i looked at things in the perspective of "could i sew this? could i embelish this on a current tshirt?" it was sooo great!! they also had a crewcuts section (their kids clothing line) and totally was in love with their girls stuff and thought, "hey...i can maybe make this!".....amazing. i felt no shame. i felt overwhelmed, but it felt good to look at what was out there and to get inspired.
there was a shirt at forever 21 for $11 that was DaRRRRling....sigh....i walked away. even though it was only $11 and would be SOOOO cute with slacks for teaching or under my vintage-y anthro blazer that my dad in law got me....i walked away.
one small step towards acclimation....one giant leap for me!!
it was a good day. (abs, thanks for the prayers dear friend!)
oh...and i was amongst great friends too....