Update

Thank you so much for those who left comments and also folks who wrote me encouragement in this time. I'm sorry if I haven't gotten back to you (abbie...sorry!) it has just been non-stop.

I'll pick up where I left off. We heard back from Sunland. From what I hear, this is not typical. Once you tell churches no, they don't come back to you. I recalled as I looked over my journal that if we say no to any church, Lord, if it was the wrong move, would you please bring it back to us. I know that I haven't posted this, but all along after saying no to Sunland, I kept thinking, "was this wrong?" I just didn't know if it was wrong or right. I didn't want to think about it because I felt like I was considering Sunland again out of fear because we didn't have any other 'yes' out there. But, we moved and trusted in faith. And Sunland came back.

So, a LOT has happened this past week, but to summarize, we wrote back and forth with the (ah...coffee..just took my first sip of it....hello friend!) Duke, the senior pastor, and we are going out there for dinner (the two of us with Duke) next wednesday, then a meeting with elder board that night. Then if all goes well and i'm sure further talks, job descriptions, answered questions of the reasons why we said no the last time and why we're saying yes now (i'll answer that in a moment), we meet with the search committee on July 18th (right after Ryan preaches at our church) for a bbq get to know you and your family time.

I think the reasons why we said no, a few remain to be answered. I think some of those questions might not be answered until you get into the job. You can't predict every scenario, every political fight, every triumph. Church can be such a haven, yet also such a prison, and we have felt both as we have served in various capacities. Truth be told, I just think it's down right scary at times to go back into church ministry after all we've gone through at different churches. However, we still feel so very called to ministry, together, in the church. One major reason why we said no, was the fact that we just didn't have a 'no' yet from Talbot. And last monday , we received that no. I still have a job there, but I can make it how ever many hours I want, which with the potential of moving further away and with kiddos, this works out really great. The Lord knew this when he said no to us/me at Talbot. I'm so thankful he let me know right away why he said no...that was super kind!

So, we covet your continued prayers. Discernment is a huge one-we don't want to take this out of fear that there is nothing else out there. There is the hope of something else out there that we will more than likely hear about next week too. There is also another church that has contacted Ryan...so they are not our only thing...just our only sure thing. But, is that so wrong? We prayed. God responded. In a way we had NO idea about, could not even manipulate or plan. Please also pray that we'd have clear communication with the pastor to know exactly their expectations of Ryan and that some of the things they offered in the last time we spoke still are on the table for us. Oh, another big reason we said no was because of health care. They were not going to offer it to us. Please pray that either that changes, or our talk with one of their elders who is in insurance is helpful, provides health care that we can afford that is not going to forsake our family's well being. Again, I say these things fully knowing that the Lord will move you to pray on our behalf as he leads you...and fully knowing that if this is the place we are to go, that He will fill in the gaps and make it work. He has so far....he's even let me lament and cry out to him in despair (see two posts ago!) and still cares for me in each.

Lastly...a dear friend said to us, "give yourself permission to make the wrong decision". i wonder if by saying no the last time, that was the wrong decision because it was so hard to say no-it was such a leap of faith...and we liked Duke so very much and the idea of them being able to work together and basically co-pastor together, was (at least to me in my words) dreamy. Now, it's back. And even if it might be a wrong decision even now...I just don't think it is. I say that so boldly because we are praying, we are in his will, we are not off galavanting (sp?) and seeking out other things apart from the Lord. We are abiding. If it's not what we are suppose to do, then he'll make it apparent and provide another job later. He won't let us fall (ps 55, matthew 6:25-34). He made that clear last week...even when I knew in my head that he wouldn't let us fall, my heart needed to catch up.

thanks for your prayers and for reading while i process...i/we'll keep you posted.

what?!!?!

literally as i finished typing this blog we needed to check ryan's email. in it was an email from duke, the pastor from sunland basically asking us if we might want to re-open the dialogue for considering the assoc. pastor position. what are you up to Lord?

we'll keep you posted...

what a week....

what a week! i'll post some photos soon (once i find my computer/photo cord!) ...but here is a recap:

final push to move
thursday morning had an interview at ISF for a job
aunt leeann came to town and picked her up at the airport on thursday, spent the night with her at the westin, did dessert and breakfast...super fun (HAPPY 60th!!!)
hid our dear aunt from her brother, my dear father in law for 24hrs
did some final moving prep for the big move on saturday
celebrated my father in law's retirement from 35yrs of teaching on friday night, finally got to let leeann out of the bag and she was a secret no longer
friday night-last night spent in hart hall...very emotional
woke up, got starbucks and coffee and moved 9 years of life to a new chapter that is yet to be written...literal. (i'll say more to that later)
moved (THANK YOU daus, stumps, hoopers, charity, julie, nate, alex, ryan, hubby, jake, daniel, mom and the many others who helped days/weeks prior...it really does take a village)
unpacked all weekend
monday found out i didn't get the job

so....now, we sit, in a new condo that thankfully we don't own and the rent is covered for a year. we have ry's paycheck till the end of july. we have a camp he is preaching at the first week in august...but other than that-the future is as clear as a blizzard.

to say that the last 48 hrs have been difficult is an understatement. in all honesty, i didn't think i was going to get the job for a few significant reason. one not being that i'm not qualified. i had all the qualifications-i had done everything on that job description. it just wasn't the best move for our family, and the Lord had to make that decision for us because frankly, in my human estimation, it was the best for our family. it would provide a stable income, insurance and it would be a job that i could do and i think love. i'm still employed as a spiritual director and adjunct professor. but i won't get paid till the end of september for the new semester of teaching (thankfully, they gave us a little raise). if i worked full time (it was more than a 40hr a week job, although they say it's only 40hrs), ry wouldn't have time to interview with churches b/c he'd have to be mr. mom. so, again, i understand....in my head...my heart however has yet to catch up with that. you can tell me logistically that we will be taken care of-i know that. but my heart is freaking out and despairing of what will happen to us. i know we will be carried, and that the lord has us in his hand. we have a roof over our head, food on the table...but i longed for some sort of stability... i know that the lord is stable...but this currently feels unstable. and i'm tired. this has been a hell of a semester...from interviewing in december with santa maria, to going up there, to not taking that job, to sunland, to not taking that job, to long beach, to not hearing back from them, to hearing about this job at talbot in february, then again in april, then waiting till the end of may for an interview, only to find out i didn't get it. why then did they even ask me to apply and interview for this position if they knew that they wouldn't hire me?! if you can tell, i'm grieving...on so many levels. grieving the loss of biola...grieving the loss of hart...grieving the loss of what i thought was an open door for talbot, perhaps another one will open, but at this point, we will search all over for a new job and it may take us out of the state...so i'm now grieving that because i didn't want to leave...

lord-what do you want from us in this time? i wanted us to rest after 9 years of living, loving, serving and ministering to college students...but how can i/we rest in this time with the future is so unwritten (in my sight, i know not yours)? sigh.....what are we going to do? lord-help. that is all i can muster in this time. show yourself.

sorry. this isn't the most uplifting of posts. but i'd be lying if i didn't share this. i needed to get it out. grief is messy, hard, sad, despairing, angry, weepy...

i think our experience over the past week/months has brought to mind birth. you are growing and maturing something so tender and beautiful for 9 months (our last 9 months at biola) and then birth occurs. it's rough. sometimes the labor is long, or super quick. you can't fully prepare for it no matter how much of an epidural or birth coaching you receive. once you get there, you have to do it. then birth happens...and all of the facets of after birth...sleep depervation, holding, crying, sleeping, caring...i just feel like i birthed. i'm getting rest. i'm eating, but the all of a sudden a wave of pain comes, like a contraction or that moment when you are trying everything in your power to help your newborn sleep, or eat...and it's not working. you just have to be patient and wait it out....

however, i'm tired...my sleep isn't restful...i wake up to the reality of our reality...and wonder what will happen today...

thanks for listening. thanks for your prayers. i'll keep you posted.

so much

there is so much to catch you up on...and yet i have felt overwhelmed at times to post my thoughts because in the midst of closing down here in hart, it has been vocationally silent...and i'm tired of the question, "so what are you going to do after you leave?". To be honest, the look on people's face when they hear us say, "we don't know, we are trusting God" is not what i look forward to. probably because their faces reflect at times what i am feeling about God in this whole thing. at times, he feels near, at times he is so distant and silent i feel like my cries are reverberating against the walls and just echo back into my face. so...do you blame me for not wanting to post? but, i also know, we are being carried by prayer by so many of you-i owe it to you to share my/our heart-no matter how messy. thank you for your patience.

well...let's get vocation out of the way first since it's the shortest...nothing on the ryan front. he met with our denomination guy and there are three churches out there-one in the forest up in tahoe, one in upstate new york/buffalo and another one that i can't recall (perhaps the 29 palms one still?). so, our application goes off to all of them. who knows. i don't feel anything towards this really because we are i think 5th on the list in 29 palms and there is just so much going on here, and with what kind of roller coaster ride it had been earlier on this semester with the other two churches, i just can't ride that ride until there is a ride to ride ; )

for me-there has been a job that i've been pretty excited about, but scared to death about all in the same breath for a bit now. i can't talk too much about it but to say after 3 months of little conversations here and there about it, and then a month of serious prayer and conversation about it, the position is official (finally) and i'm applying for it this week. it's local, it's awesome and the timing of it is rather divine-and i'm trying not to hold tightly to it as if to say that it will carry us through this and save us-because it won't. do you know how hard it is to not hold tightly to things?!?!? it'd be pretty awesome and i will be very sad if i don't get it...because if i don't, that means this door here as i can see it for now is officially closed and we will apply everywhere to find a job. if it doesn't close and i do get it, i think there are also other layers that would be sad, but also amazed. we'll see. please pray this week as i send in my app and resume. pray for discernment...

now...leaving hart. i just don't think it's hit me yet. i have waves of emotion...most of them at the moment have been just absorbing the gratitude of others towards Ryan (and me too at times!) on how he's been impactful and pastoral and gracious etc... towards them. it is a gift to sit by and hear others speak so adoringly about your spouse. i'm so serious-everything they say i feel and say so often, but the effect it has coming from another person as much more weight. i pray he can absorb this all in...and i also pray if i do get the job above, that will free him up a bit more to settle into this new stage in life post-dorm living to really recollect what the last 9 years has been about. even though we went on retreat about a month ago, we both need a retreat again to process letting go...anyway...

last weekend we had a bbq with as many of our RAs as we could get here (about 30-ish i think!) from over the last 9 years...it was amazing!!! fun, conversations, seeing marriages and kids running around (we have had quite a success rate with couples hooking up from staff to staff!!) it was a rich time. it ended with them all praying over us (kids as well...so moving. i think that was their first time experiencing something like that...they actually sat rather still for it!). it was overwhelming. i feel so loved and honored and blessed. this job is really a 24 a day job. there are times/moments we are 'off'...but we are always really on. if the door knocks, we can choose to ignore it (and we do!) and we screen our calls, but at any moment, the fire alarm could go off, there could be a person considering suicide, roommate conflict, bbq, someone who needs a pot to cook spaghetti...you name it...and you know what? i've loved almost every moment of it! (fire alarms are NOT my favorite. power outages are NOT my favorite) i'm the support-i don't have to answer and move on a conflict or distress call, i remain here-however, i've baked more cookies than i can count, made more pots of coffee (gone through 4 pots in 9 years), sat, cried, prayed, rejoiced with so many students over the years that i would not trade it for anything.

ryan commented last week that we haven't made a lot of money. but we are rich. and i'd agree. this ministry has changed us. for the better. for the richer. and i honestly have no clue what life will be like post-hart. quieter (looking forward to not living below men!)...less knocks on our door (sort of sad about that)...i'll be processing here i'm sure what it's like : ) but tonight we say goodbye to our RAs and send them off with a blessing (something ry and i have done every year that i'm so excited about...again-a very rich experience)...i can't wait to pray over these dear ones. then, i think i can begin to let go and do the final push to move this week.

i'll try to not be so silent next week. thank you for your support-your prayers-your care over us. i can't imagine what this time would be like w/o your prayers.

condo!!

we got the condo!!!!!!!!!!!! oh lord....thank you. two bedroom, two bath (yeah!! seriously, one bath and four people are hard...doable, just precarious at times!) and a loft to turn into the kids play area / aly sewing area / future slumber party area. a cute little patio for summer night bbq'ing and early morning devos....we turn in the deposit tomorrow. we can move in anytime after the 15th. as we celebrate our final all hall, it's a huge heaving sigh of relief that even though our jobs are uncertain as of now, we have a home. thank you lord.

thank you all for your kind words/comments on here and on facebook. i feel so loved and prayed for.

First of Lasts

This month is beginning our final things. This is our last month in Hart Hall. This time next month, we will be figuring out how to celebrate our daughters 6th birthday (WHAT!) and moving our 9yrs of living into a new space (we find out today about that condo! oh Lord, please!!)

It occurred to me last night as i was cranking out 12 loads of laundry, pushing my laundry cart down the hall of Hub in Hart to our apartment, that I think i'll be doing this 2 more times, then i'll hopefully have my own washer and dryer. With each passing day, moment even...I keep thinking of these things being the first of our last things. Our last all hall is tonight. Our last bbq was last week (oh man...no more free chicken, seriously, I've bought a bag of chicken maybe 7 times in 9 years....i'll have to adjust our grocery fund!)...

I want to / we want to finish well. But not just that because I have the sense we will (meaning, not leaving this place with fists raised unable to ever revisit), but as I type this, I want to be present to what is going on right now. My dear friend/professor and her husband gave us a weekend away at their retreat center (the place I always take my classes up to for retreat, but actually never have the chance TO retreat!) (THANK YOU SO MUCH JUDY AND GENE!), and I kept asking the Lord to have our future known to us at that time. Now, much can happen between this morning and tomorrow afternoon prior to departure, but I want to be present to what is going on now and not miss it. I want to embrace final hugs, soak them in, cut some roses from the Hart hall garden, play in the courtyard, enjoy the students in the lobby (Dan!! Marcia! Chris, Heather...and the many other lobby folk!), let the kids run up and down the stairs... soak in the last all hall...celebrate with our RAs next week...and just soak in the moments in our little place that I love so much....we started a family in this place...we fought, prayed, loved, laughed, cried countless times in this place...had hundredes of cookies made and gallons of coffee and hot cocoa served in this place....prayed over students on our couch...pre marital counseled, relationship counseled, countless RA meetings....the list goes on....how can I stop waiting and being frustrated with not knowing our future so I can be ever present to our present? Please pray this with me and for me.

silence

I haven't posted in quite a while because frankly, all there really is to say is that the waiting process we are in is silent. Loudly silent. Have you ever been silent for a while and really, it isn't? Your mind is just running, planning, listing, doing everything BUT being silent? That is how this time has been for us. How do you wait patiently as the Psalmist says? Sigh....I don't know the answer to that. I have debated on posting anything lately because I just felt like I couldn't...but then I thought, maybe I wasn't alone. I'm sure that at some point or another many of you all have also felt stuck...waiting in silence.

One thing that is new, that we find out about today, is about our new home. I turned in our first renters application with all our info. One enormous grace and provision is that my in laws (who were amazing to begin with) are going to pay for our rent for a year while we transition out of life post Biola and Ryan continues to look for a job. Even typing that I become overwhelmed with gratitude that even when I think times are silent, the Lord knows and is at work.

Another place I have seen God at work in this silent time, is (i guess not so silent...so, maybe this time hasn't been so silent after all!) how he heard the things I wanted about a home and hopefully today we'll find out. Seriously, all this past weekend my mom in law and I looked all over La Habra/Fullerton/La Mirada at some places (staying in the area b/c I am the one employed at the moment) and it was bleak! I thought our price range was good but we just were not finding anything. Monday morning I journalled what I wanted and gave it up-was I being too picky? Not open enough? I checked craigs list and there was a posting for a corner upstairs condo with a garage, two baths, two bedroom, a LOFT! and a washer and dryer and a patio...in our price range (well, $25 over...BUT c'mon!) So again, I wait anxiously patiently for the Lord and our hopefully potential landlord, to find out if we get it. I'll let you know...